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*BRITISH ELECTION ISSUE*
Britain Votes for a New Government on May 7
Who is worth voting for? See below for help in this decision....
Drinks Were Offered at The Leaders' TV Debate:
The SNP had a double scotch no water, the Greenie a carrot-juice, Plaid Cymru a medyglynn, the LibDem a smoothie, Ukip a pint of best bitter, Labour a vodka martini, but the Tory said he had to ask Lynton.
A Report from the Streets:
"It's nice of our MPs to come to our streets to tell us plebs - who pay their wages - how to vote. Every time there's a knock on the door I send our Willie to tell them to bog off, and every time the phone rings I get our dog to bark down the line. Every time I go out I carry a bucket of water - let me tell you, that makes them keep away, nobody wants an Islington suit ruined. They all look weird to me - as though they've been let out - which I suppose they have. I wanted to shake the Dumb Rich Kid's hand but couldn't get near him for Tory activists. Pity, as I had a rotten prune in my hand...."
A Report from the Tory and Labour Donor Parties:
"I went to both parties. They were great! I bid on a bust of Dave at his party and a bust of Ed at his. Nobody else bid so I got them for a quid each. At Dave's table, one of his Russkies sent his dinner back and shouted for vodka. At Ed's table, some poncy actor, whose name I forget, stood up, took off his jacket and shirt to reveal his chest covered with tattoos of Lenin's face. Got a big round of applause. At Dave's table there was a lot of serious talk about making the plebs pay for everything (I think 'plebs' means us.) At Ed's table they didn't talk much, just stuffed their faces like it was their last meal. At the end Dave's lot sang the Eton boating song and Ed's lot sang that weird song about the people's flag is deepest red. Quite a lot of people at both parties were staggering about at the end of the evening and a few tables got trashed. Dave was carried out and so was Ed. I was a bit surprised that these guys, leading our great nation into a glorious future, were such a bunch of....."
A Report from An Economist:
It's difficult to predict how long a government can get away with fake growth, fake jobs, fake inflation numbers, and fake optimism. Economic data understate inflation and overstate growth. Since the financial crisis the economic situation has been one of almost complete stasis. It is better to acknowledge this in the interests of the country and deal with it, rather than hide it in the interests of party politics.
A Report From The Club:
"The thing is, old boy, it's a part of England. God knows there's not much of it left and we must rejoice that somewhere in our treasured isle there is something that is forever England. The demned foreign johnnies have taken over our soccer, bought every business in sight in the poor old UK and the City, and publishing (God help dear Jane if she tried to get her stuff in print today, what?) not a Georgian estate left to be bought anywhere in the Shires, all Russian or Chinese, every decent address in London is owned by Middle East types - even the 'Naval & Military Club, dammit, the dear old 'In and Out'. Meanwhile our leaders in Westminster stuff grapes down their vile throats and do nothing for the country. God help us, I say. It's definitely decline and fall. Except for the cricket. She walks in beauty and custom will never stale her...."
Report from Westminster - Advice For A New MP:
"Right now I'm sure you're full of idealism and I admire you for it. But if you want to succeed there are a few, perhaps unpalatable, but nonetheless essential rules. Always do what the Whips say. Don't dare to disagree. Toe the party line and you will be rewarded with foreign trips - all expenses paid - be put on Select Committees, which means extra pay, and if you're reasonably articulate you'll get brownie points galore. I know the pay is not wonderful but you can make it up with expenses. A modest amount of imagination is acceptable and if you do charge something which is OTT, you needn't worry about your constituency hearing about it. All expense reviews are conducted in secret, now. Be very careful of the media, the press and the BBC. If you're going to make a speech to an important gathering, always show the draft to the Press Office. Very useful people. If you get into trouble for anything, go to them before making a statement swearing your innocence. They have an excellent rebuttal meister. I see you're single, so you'll be able to enjoy our 14 bars and 9 restaurants all of which are remarkably good value as they are subsidised by the grateful tax-payers. And finally, remember this. A politician's first duty is to get re-elected."
A Plea For The Future:
"It's such a pity that this country doesn't go in for 'coups d'etats'. What a pleasant change it might be to have, say, MI6 or Disneyland taking over at Number Ten and running the country. Getting rid of that abomination 'first past the post, dis-allowing politicians from making vote-getting legislation which screws up the future. Giving us a break from the daily clap-trap and rhodomontade about what we must do and what we mustn't do. Making it mandatory for anybody with political power to visit the country outside London (if they can find it) at times other than elections. Heady thoughts, my fellow plebs!
Read The Complete Revelations in:
'The Government's Top Salesman Tells All'
(as told to John Problem)
This book has a read-by date of May 7.
Reviewed as 'irreverent and very funny; cracking pace; a hilarious romp through a government gone wild; timely"
On Amazon - Paperback and Kindle
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For other John Problem books, please visit amazon.co.uk/-/e/B009EPZEQW
'The Search For Gabriella'
'The Bankers' Assassin'
'The Fearless Four and the Messenger'