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*POST ELECTION ISSUE*
Britain Voted for a New Government on May 7
CONGRATULATORY LETTERS TO
THE PRIME MINISTER
Congratulatory Letters to the re-elected British Prime Minister have been received from:
The Global Institute of Tax Havens
The U.K. Health Care Privatisation Syndicate
Various addresses in Russia
Various addresses in the Emirates
Various addresses in Kensington and Chelsea
The Lord Mayor of the City of London
The Society of London Estate Agents
The Luxury Accommodation Constructors' Bureau
The Bankers' Institute
The Daily Telegraph, The Daily Mail, The Times et al
The Lobbyists' Association
French and German Utility Companies
The US Republican Party (Although they got the address wrong – they thought it was No 1, Downing Street.)
Cabinet members and wannabe Cabinet members.
The President of Mogamba-Ogowe who was elected with 99.7% of the vote in his country.
HOW TO GET ELECTED
First of all, find a spinmeister – or two. Preferably foreign - but English native tongue of course. Australian and American are the top choice in these matters. They can introduce a new level of vituperation based on experience.
Secondly, ensure the media is on your side. Not difficult if you are in favour of oligarchs and moguls. A daily circulation of 6 million is helpful. 6 million readers who can be told how good you are for the country and how bad the opposition would be. Especially its leaders, who can be pilloried, ridiculed, attacked every day – personally, so that matters of policy are not discussed.
Ensure no media coverage of any new parties, unless it's bad news for them, of course.
Thirdly, set up a team of, twitterers, and social media geeks – to put out a tsunami of information about how great you are for the country, for the hard-working families of Britain, etc.
Also, a team of writers to send letters to the press – as above.
Also, a team of geeks to delete any unfavourable material on the internet.
Finally, make any promises you like - that are approved by the spinmeisters of course - knowing there will be absolutely no need to keep them, once in power.
ELECTION NUMBERS PROVING HOW FAIR THE BRITISH SYSTEM IS.
34% of people entitled to vote, didn't.
Which means that the Tory party – which won 37% of those who did vote – represent in government only 24% of the populace.
Ukip got 13% of the vote, equivalent to one third of the Tory vote, but gets only 1 seat,
whereas the Tories get 331 seats.
The Green Party had 1.2 million voters and got 1 seat.
SNP had 1.5 million voters and got 56 seats.
That's democracy in the British manner.
A VISION OF ENGLAND IN 2020
Out of the EU
NHS fully privatised
State schools run by business
Constituency Boundaries changed to suit Tories
90% of workers on zero hour contracts
Employment rights slashed
60% of children live below poverty line
45,000 food banks
Prison population increased by 300%
VAT increased to 22.5%
Tax Evasion Laws relaxed
Tax avoidance legally accepted
Human Rights Act scrapped
Ditto climate change
London skyscapers top world league
27th in prosperity league - down from 9th in 2015
'Suppression of Dissension' Law passed
Passports introduced for all residents north of Watford
Kensington and Chelsea given tax-free status
number 750 and Lords 1000 – all expenses paid
Prime Minister status changed to that of President.
Eton almost bought by Qatar. Saved by Presidential decree.
WHO IS THE MOST CORRUPT AND INEPT?
RUSSIA, CHINA, MOBANGA-OGOWE
HERE'S A CHECK-LIST Russia China M-O UK
Controlled Press Yes Yes Yes Yes
Leader chosen from the elite Yes Yes Yes Yes
Leader supported by Oligarchs Yes Yes Yes Yes
Internet attack teams Yes Yes Yes Yes
Tax avoidance allowed and encouraged Yes Yes Yes Yes
Tax-payer billions given as foreign aid No No No Yes
Colonial ambitions Yes Yes No No
World centre for money laundering No No No Yes
High energy costs to citizens No No No Yes
Costly tertiary education No No No Yes
Poor quality, ill maintained infrastructure Yes Yes Yes Yes
No appeal against leader Yes Yes Yes Yes
No demonstrations allowed near leader Yes Yes Yes Yes
Cult personality developed for leaders Yes Yes Yes Yes
Controlled elections Yes Yes Yes Yes
Huge tax-payer funded spin industry Yes Yes No Yes
'controlled press' refers to major newspapers supporting leader.
'no appeal against leader' – in the case of the UK, once every five years.
'controlled elections' refers to media pressure, skewed polls, internet attacks, etc.
A Report from An Economist:
It's difficult to predict how long a government can get away with fake growth, fake jobs, fake inflation numbers, and fake optimism. Economic data understate inflation and overstate growth. Since the financial crisis the economic situation has been one of almost complete stasis. It is better to acknowledge this in the interests of the country and deal with it, rather than hide it in the interests of party politics.
Report from Westminster - Advice For A New MP:
"Right now I'm sure you're full of idealism and I admire you for it. But if you want to succeed there are a few, perhaps unpalatable, but nonetheless essential rules. Always do what the Whips say. Don't dare to disagree. Toe the party line and you will be rewarded with foreign trips - all expenses paid - be put on Select Committees, which means extra pay, and if you're reasonably articulate you'll get brownie points galore. I know the pay is not wonderful but you can make it up with expenses. A modest amount of imagination is acceptable and if you do charge something which is OTT, you needn't worry about your constituency hearing about it. All expense reviews are conducted in secret, now. Be very careful of the media, the press and the BBC. If you're going to make a speech to an important gathering, always show the draft to the Press Office. Very useful people. If you get into trouble for anything, go to them before making a statement swearing your innocence. They have an excellent rebuttal meister. I see you're single, so you'll be able to enjoy our 14 bars and 9 restaurants all of which are remarkably good value as they are subsidised by the grateful tax-payers. And finally, remember this. A politician's first duty is to get re-elected."
A Plea For The Future:
"It's such a pity that this country doesn't go in for 'coups d'etats'. What a pleasant change it might be to have, say, MI6 or Disneyland taking over at Number Ten and running the country. Getting rid of that abomination 'first past the post, dis-allowing politicians from making vote-getting legislation which screws up the future. Giving us a break from the daily clap-trap and rhodomontade about what we must do and what we mustn't do. Making it mandatory for anybody with political power to visit the country outside London (if they can find it) at times other than elections. Heady thoughts, my fellow plebs!
Read The Complete Revelations in:
'The Government's Top Salesman Tells All'
(as told to John Problem)
Reviewed as 'irreverent and very funny; cracking pace; a hilarious romp through a government gone wild; timely"
On Amazon - Paperback and Kindle
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For other John Problem books, please visit amazon.co.uk/-/e/B009EPZEQW
'The Search For Gabriella'
'The Bankers' Assassin'
'The Fearless Four and the Messenger'