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REPORT FROM THE FRONT
Eye -witness account by Percy Flage MP, holidaying with the Prime Minister.
"The weather is really good and Dave and I have been getting a lot of tan. We went swimming early this morning and Dave caught a crab! LOL! After that we had candy floss which was fantastic. Lynton is coming for lunch. I hope he doesn't want to go to a pub again. Anyway, he says it's really urgent. A crisis that needs high-level management, he says. What a bore!"
Report Number 2.
"Lynton came and we had a boring COBRA meeting about the crisis. Dave wanted to wiggle his toes in the sand so we had the meeting next to the whelks stall. (I had a few but they were naff.) The crisis is the bloody Americans again. Some magazine called Forbes has said that Britain is a 'second-rate nation'! Bloody cheek! Anyway, Dave has ordered a PR blitz to show hard-working British families that we are, under the Tories, a first-rate nation. Which we weren't when Labour was in power. That should do it. Fortunately, there are no other crises going on anywhere so we can continue with our hols.
Report No. 3
Dave went body-boarding to day. He didn't like it at all and said it was a bad idea of Lynton's. Lynton said it would show hard-working British families that Dave is one of them. Frankly, I wish he'd stayed in Australia. The other thing that was really irritating was when we went to Jules' Gastro-Restaurant. There wasn't enough parking for the security convoy! I had to tell the manager to get his act together or there wouldn't be a next time. Dave and I had a look at the papers this morning but we couldn't see anything to worry about so we're off to play crazy golf.
Report Number 4.
Over kippers this morning, Dave seemed a bit quiet. I asked him if anything was bothering him. He said, "You know, Percy, politics is a funny old thing. Sometimes I feel I'm missing something but I don't know what it is." I told him he should stop worrying and just get on with his well-earned holiday. Dave opened his red box and said there wasn't anything of interest in it, except that nasty little man Bercow was trying to get some female appointed to his staff and a lot of MPs were complaining. "For Heaven's sake," he said. "Why don't they get on with their hols and stop whingeing." We read the papers - nothing of note happening. Weather's a bit gloomy today. We'll probably go to the amusement arcade.
Report Number 5.
Not much happened today except we had a good laugh about the French government collapsing with two ministers resigning! Dave said that if he were President he'd never allow that kind of nonsense to happen. I thought he looked a bit wistful as he said it. Later on he asked me why we had Prime Ministers when all other countries have Presidents. 'Should be changed,' he said.
Report Number 6.
We're nearing the end of the hols and Dave is getting ready for the boring NATO conference in Newport. (Why NATO wants to meet in Wales is a mystery to all of us.) Anyway Dave had a good idea. He thinks we should invite all the party donors down there as well. He was sure they'd like it a lot. So we drew up the list which included Schnatzikov, Grabitski, Bashyeredov, Korruptski, Al-Haroun Al Haven, Ying Tong Yiddle, Corleone Senior, Corleone Junior, Jesus Gonzalez, and there we stopped because it was drinkies time. The other thing that happened today was that the Red Box got lost. A fisherman found it, and had started keeping his sandwiches in it when the police arrested him for questioning.
A further report will follow later.
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