JOHN PROBLEM'S 2021 HUMAN RIGHTS CAMPAIGN -
BONUSES FOR OUR HARD-WORKING MPs.
After many soundings in civil society and with the people of Britain, John Problem believes the time is right for our hard-working MPs to be granted bonuses at the end of each long parliamentary year of 132 days.
The paltry salary earned by our leaders is a mere £84,000. Fortunately for them, they also benefit from expenses of around £65,000 per annum each, at least. Their bars and restaurants are subsidised by the tax-payer. And they can have other jobs at the same time and earn more.
But it is not enough! Far from it!
How can we allow this travesty of fairness to continue? Our hard-working MPs give of their very best for all of us and they deserve a proper acknowledgement of their abilities – and all that they do for Britain. (A definitive list is being worked up for later publication.) Some critics have described MPs as ventriloquist's dummies because they only ever make speeches using words approved by their leaders. But the people of Britain know this is not true!
John Problem's 2021 Human Rights Campaign demands that the House of Commons set up a Select Committee to consider what should be the correct level of bonus. We strongly recommend that they call bankers, hedge fund managers, commodities traders and other reputable members of the financial services industry to give guidance.
Please write or e-mail 10 Downing Street with your support for our Campaign. Thank you.
Also supporting our Campaign are:
The Association of Concerned MPs.
“We wholeheartedly applaud this campaign. Not enough has been done to acknowledge the important role played by Britain's MPs in making Britain great again. And it is high time we were appropriately rewarded. If you want world-class MPs then you've got to pay world-class bonuses.”
The Guild of Tax Evasion Lawyers.
“Unquestionably, the remuneration of Britain's MPs needs to be brought up to date. Not all of them use tax evasion techniques, and a generous bonus every year would aggressively improve that situation.”
A spokesman for the EU.
“Incroyable!”
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Gripping.
Action-packed. Fast-paced. International.
It's all of these...
And more.
__________________________________________________
"A gripping read, written from the assassin's point of view'
'fast-paced, almost unrolling like a movie'
'action-packed with a ruthless assassin'
'an amazing story that is very difficult to put down'
Serialisation of the best-selling thriller
'The Contract Assassin'
starts below.........
CHAPTER ONE.
I take a taxi to the Ritz. The journey from De Gaulle Aeroport is the same old boring trip across a wasteland of motorway, through those ugly tunnels and into the city. Paris is OK in the centre, but the approaches are grey, so grey, that you wonder why it was ever called the City of Light. I guess they didn't have the traffic when it was the City of Light. We go round on the Peripherique, three lanes of wall to wall traffic, into the Place de la Bastille, that carousel of totally impatient drivers, out onto whatever boulevard it is and finally the front of the Ritz. I don't particularly like this place – it isn't as classy as the Raphael, but there they know me well and I need a little anonymity right now. I check in, arrange to have my bag sent up and go out. Through a couple of streets, past all those young couples enjoying romantic Paris, and across the bridge. I look down at the banks of the Seine, and then go into Gerard's for a drink. I sit and wait. A no show. After fifteen minutes I leave.
I walk to Le Grand Vefour and am shown to the table I ordered – the one where they always claim Napoleon sat. I order a drink and wait, watching the entrance area. Whether or not the contact turns up, this is where I'll eat. Ten minutes go by. A girl walks in, unaccompanied. She says something to the Maitre D' and he guides her to my table. This is a surprise. She slides gracefully onto the padded bench beside me.
“Sorry to keep you waiting,” she says. “Too much traffic.”
I assure her it's not a problem, which it most certainly isn't. She's a stunner. Even the waiters notice. We go through the menu, order the stuff – we decide no starter, blue lobster as the main dish and the famous cube manjari for dessert - and start a general chat about nothing. I look at her and think. Usually the contacts are unnoticeable nonentities that nobody would ever remember. They look like businessmen, which is my cover. Well, she certainly isn't unnoticeable. I am curious as to why there has been a change of style in the operation.
“Been doing this long?” I ask. She puts down her drink, turns and looks me full in the face, almost a life-changing experience.“Doing what?”
“Dining at Le Grand Vefour.” “Oh, don't be silly,” she smiles. “This is my first time.” I don't like change, but this is different. Maybe there's some kind of mistake. I pull out my iPad and pass it to her as though showing some photographs. She slides a small envelope behind it, I pick it up with the envelope and put them away. So. The real thing. Which is a big shame because contacts are used only once. Just to be sure, I excuse myself and go to the toilettes. I look at the slip of paper in the envelope which tells me where to get what I need and where to dispose of it. It's efficient. Pity about the short acquaintance with the girl. Maybe I could alter that. I go back to the table. I see she is watching me.
“How about dinner tomorrow night?” I ask. “I leave Paris tomorrow morning.” “Where are you going? Maybe we could meet there.” The Maitre D' is standing by the table.“Your driver is here, Mademoiselle.” We embrace and she leaves. Nobody would believe that a guy would let a girl, as cute as she looks, leave on her own. I pay and walk to the Pont Neuf. The dark Seine glistens. I walk up one side of the bridge and down the other. Then back to the hotel for a couple of hours.
The Range Rover is black, as are the bars on the front. I park on the Quai Francois Mitterand just round the corner from the Pont Neuf and wait for my call. This job is a tricky one and needs a little bit of luck. That nobody will be in the way when I want to get behind the target. I don't like relying on luck but sometimes it adds a bit of spice to an operation. My phone rings and I'm told the target is on his way. I start the engine and get ready. Here he comes in his yellow Ferrari, hard to miss. I swing out behind him, cutting up a small Peugeot who sounds his horn angrily. Tough. The Ferrari turns on to the Pont Neuf, as do I
Associated Press. Paris. The famous financier, Earl Lang, died yesterday when his Ferrari apparently drove through the parapet of the Pont Neuf and fell into the Seine, late at night. Police are investigating. A resident of the area said that it was difficult to see how he could have driven through the parapet which is made of stone.
Chapter Two will follow shortly.
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"Floppo Hood and his Merrie Cabinet Ministers"
Soon to be a movie!
LIST OF CHARACTERS:
Floppo Hood - The luckiest politician of all time.
Friar Gove - The world-leading expert.
Handcod - The horse-loving apothecary.
Richie - The biggest tax fund trader ever.
Maid Pretty - Famous for her sweet nature.
Prop - Propaganda chief.
Mapp - Pollster, CEO of CON
An old man.
***********************
A room in Number Ten. MORNING. Ministers sing and dance.
“We are the Tory rich;
We're ripping off the poor.
We're leaving them without a stitch,
The bailiff at the door.
We're the golden boys of politics! Rather!
We are the filthy rich;
We're ripping off the poor.
We take it all without a hitch,
'cos we're above the law.
We're the golden boys of politics. Rather!
FLOPPO: Well done! We’ll have to stop this dancing, though. Place is falling apart. I’m glad to hear you’ve all had your three jabs. We must now work on ensuring we get re-elected.
FRIAR GOVE: Absolutely. There are only four years to go. (Aside) And I need time to prepare my pitch to the voters.
HANDCOD: I entirely agree. (Aside) I need to see the blasted Covid finished and then I can prepare my pitch.
RICHI: I agree entirely. (Aside) Happily, I’m the obvious choice for next PM.
FLOPPO: I’m told there's millions of poor out there. We need to level them up and build them better.
RICHI: Very true. But we need to look after our shareholders, sorry, constituencies first. They need their fair share of our GDP
FLOPPO: Of course! But the poor? They need help. Should I put on my hard-hat and go and visit them? (Aside) What on earth is GDP?
MAID PRETTY: But what about all those foreigners that keep popping up at Dover? There aren’t enough camps to put them. They’ll be wandering about in our leafy suburbs soon.
FLOPPO: Damned Belgians, are they?
MAID PRETTY: How should I know?
FRIAR GOVE: Excuse me. Can we get back to the point?
FLOPPO: Quite. What is the point, actually?
HANDCOD: Our good friends and donors want more contracts. They say they want to do their best for the country.
FLOPPO: Ah. What does the country need? Is there anything world-beating?
HANDCOD: Actually there is. Scunthorpe Vaccinatory is working on a vaccine for a new variant of Covid.
FRIAR GOVE: Not another variant?
HANDCOD: Yes. And it looks quite nasty.
FLOPPO: Where’s it from this time? Such a bore.
HANDCOD: The Falkland Isles.
FLOPPO: What! I thought they were British!
FRIAR GOVE: We must find out. Ask whatsisname. You know, the Foreign Secretary. Rub or something.
FLOPPO: More to the point, where’s Scunthorpe?
HANDCOD: Up North.
RICHIE: Working class place. Never been there, but I hear it’s dreadful. What’s that din outside?
(Outside – a singing noise.)
OLD MAN:
"Can't get a educashun; can't get no rotten work.
Every rotten politician is a money-making jerk.
Me muvver's in the hospital; wiv a bloke on either side;
Can't find a rotten dentist wivart a forty minute ride.
Drunks lyin' on the pavement; potholes in the road;
Useless rotten government; rotten billions owed.
Thank you, politicians; and all your clever staff.
Are you working for the working man? Don't make me rotten larf!"
FRIAR GOVE: Clearly somebody lacking in education. Working class, no doubt.
MAID PRETTY: I’ll have him arrested. And deported.
FLOPPO: No. Bring him in. I’ll put on my hard hat and we’ll ask him what’s his problem.
(Enter OLD MAN.)
FLOPPO: Please take a seat, old chap.
OLD MAN: Who are you, then?
FLOPPO: Never mind that. Why were you singing outside on Downing Street?
OLD MAN: Where?
FLOPPO: Er. Never mind that, either. Why were you singing?
OLD Man: ‘Cos I’m off. Leaving.
Floppo: Where are you going?
OLD MAN: France. If it's any business of yours, young man.
FLOPPO: France? But that’s in the EU.
OLD MAN: Aye, France. It's warmer there and they have baguettes and citizens' banks. And that's where I'm going.
RICHIE: Taking lots of money with you, are you?
(The Ministers all laugh.)
OLD Man: Aye. Although what its got to do with you, I don't know. Who are you lot anyway, with all your impertinent questions, eh?
(Enter PROP, Director of Propaganda.).
PROP: I say! Stormer’s going on Channel 4 tonight! About the NHS!
FLOPPO: So?
PROP: He’s going to lead a clapping tribute. Followed by one minute’s silence.
And then he’s going to outline his plan for the future. Big money for the NHS! And he’s going to say the pay-rise of 1% is a kick in the face. And remind everybody that they saved your life!
FLOPPO: Oh God. This is all your fault, Richie!
RICHIE: Er… Er…
FLOPPO: Didn’t you think of the consequences? 1%! Didn’t you learn anything when you were working at Rothschilds? Too busy drinking Coca-Cola, I suppose.
RICHIE: Here, that’s a bit rich! I discussed it with you. But, it was clear you weren’t interested. You were reading the quotes for your refurbishments and and for the media room.
FLOPPO: Anyway, I’ve been thinking. (Astonished looks all round.) I want you to meet our new polling consultants. (Enter MAPP, a very attractive young woman.)
This is Mapp Svelte, CEO of Consolidated Opinionating Numerology. CON for short.
She is going to make sure that none of you make promises, or express an opinion, that the voters might not like. And we must all co-operate. This is how it will work.
Before making a promise, or a big statement, you must first text the text to CON. This will be immediately submitted to an opinion poll by Mapp and her team using algorithms, with results back in three minutes. If the poll has above 60% approval, you can go ahead. If not, you kill the idea. Is that clear? No? Mapp will explain further.
MAPP: Is there any coffee? This will obviously take a while….
*********************************************************************************
BRITAIN’S BROKEN DEMOCRACY
Only 36.4% of the UK electorate voted to leave the EU,
the biggest trade group in the world
(referendum turnout was 70% - of them 52% said leave
which equals 36.4% of the total electorate)
the votes of just over one third of Britons – deliberately misinformed, misled
and even lied to by their leaders started the biggest peacetime initiative ever in British history
now the UK needs to negotiate with 27 EU countries on exit terms
needs to negotiate with 162 WTO countries to agree trading terms
but the government has no experience of negotiations
and has hired consultants to do this
estimated cost to the taxpayer £3 billion +
exiting the EU means saying goodbye to
the UK's major trading partner and its access to many
other markets under bilateral agreements
rising prices
rising unemployment
businesses leaving with resultant loss of jobs
Broken….Britain
RIP GB
******************************************************************************
And Now! The InterContinental Cup Final 2020!
As many of you will remember there was a huge technical failure which resulted in millions not being able to see the Final on TV. We are therefore very proud to be able to bring to all those disappointed fans a transcript of the game, as commentated by John Atkins and Wilf Baker.
John: Well, welcome Ladies and Gentlemen, to the InterContinental Final here tonight between Europa and Latino. It's sure to be a cracker!
Wilf: Absolutely, John. These two teams represent the very best the game can offer. The best players in Europe. Taking on the best players in Latin America. Each team has fought hard to get here, tonight, and they'll be looking for a result.
John: That's right, Wilf. There was a strong challenge from MidEast but they failed on penalties against Asia. And then Africa were disqualified when their Captain kicked a steward after drawing with Scandinavia.
Wilf: Yeah. That sort of behaviour's not good for the game.
John: No, Wilf, but sometimes the excitement of it all can overcome even the best of players. Not good, though.
Wilf: Too right. Look at the American goalie who head-butted the ref. No excuse for that, is there
John: Here they come! The two best teams in the world! Coming out of the tunnel, now! They've got those big banners spread out over their heads 'Say No to Racism'. And there's Becks leading the stewards carrying the huge solid silver trophy!
Wilf: Weighs a bit that, by the look of it. There's England's new coach, John!
John: Six and a half million quid, he gets.
Wilf: Can he speak English, yet?
John: Good question, Wilf. Had a word with him earlier today - said he can't say anything without his lawyer present.
Wilf: That'll be because he's got a law suit back home.
John: Europa have won the toss and they're going to kick off.
Wilf: Er. John. Got a little problem, here.
John: The ref is shaking hands all round.
Wilf: 'Scuse me, John.
John: They had a hard time choosing a ref for this game but they settled on Tsbeki Ungawa from Mugamba-Ogowe. Good reputation.
Wilf: John….
John: Mugamba-Ogowe was the second country in the world to play football. What's the matter, Wilf?
Wilf: They haven't sent up the team lists to us.
John: Well, go and get them, then.
Wilf: That's it. Can't. Door's locked. Big security for this game, John. Expecting a lot of fan trouble.
John: Bloody Hell! You mean we have to give a commentary without knowing the names of the players? I can't believe it!
Wilf: I'm trying to e-mail the desk but it won't go through. What we gonna do?
John: What info do we have? I suppose they've given us something.
Wilf: Well. In a manner of speaking, like.
John: Well, what then?
Wilf: They'v given us the last transfer price of each player.
John: Oh, bloody marvellous! Is that it?
Wilf: That's it.
John: Alright, then. Here's what we do. We give the commentary by referring to the transfer price, OK? Instead of their names, right? Let the viewers figure it out.
Wilf: We'd better get going. Ten minutes has gone already.
John: Right. There's Europa's captain, £53 million, passing the ball out to the left wing, to the £45 million striker who's charging in to the centre. He's gone through two Latino backs worth £77 million and he's lining up to score! Only the goalie to beat! He's skyed it! At least thirty feet over the post. What an opportunity! Latino was caught napping there, Wilf.
Wilf: He's holding his head and looking up to the heavens! His team-mates are a bit disappointed. And the coach is chewing even faster than normal. Bad sign that, John. Means the tension's rising already.
John: The Latino goalie, £45 million, has kicked it well up field where it's gone to Europa's £58 million mid-field player. He's sent a long ball right to the feet of ..of…oh, it's Latino's play-maker. £80 million there, Wilf. He's precision passed to his right-winger, the £25 million young lad who's making a big impression here. He's running with the ball. A heavy tackle from - oh! He's punched him! I mean, the lad has punched the Europa back who tackled him. The back is rolling on the floor, looking at the ref. He's screaming in pain! It's a free kick to Latino. But it's a yellow card for the lad.
Wilf: The coach doesn't look too pleased with that decision, John. He's thrown his tie on the floor and he's stamping on it.
John: It's that hot-blooded temperament, Wilf. Latino's captain's going to take it. Must be all of 28 metres. He's belted it - but it's gone straight into the wall. It comes right out, Latino's £63 million winger has come racing in - he's passed two Europa defenders, £72 million, the Europa goalie's come out, Europa's £36 million deep back has grabbed the shirt of the Latino winger. The Latino winger has dropped like a stone to the floor, he's rolling around in agony, he's rolling up like a ball, he's looking at the ref.
Wilf: What a waste of time! Get up, you big ponce!
John: The ref gestures on the medical team. They give the winger a quick spray. He's up on his feet again, running about.
Wilf: I reckon they take lessons in falling over, some of these players.
John: Yes, well. Free kick again to Latino. The lad takes it and it's close! But it hits the post. Bounces out, bounces on the foot of Latino's captain and it's in the net! Latino have scored! It's One Nil. After 35 minutes.
Wilf: He looked a bit surprised, that captain.
John: He's running around holding his shirt above his head, his team-mates are hugging and kissing him, the coach is hugging the assistant coach. They're doing a samba or something.. They're running on to the pitch! The ref is trying to get the game started again. Exciting stuff, Wilf!
Wilf: Too right! Let's see what the passing accuracy is. Hmm. 65%
John: 65%?
Wilf: Yeah, 65%. Wouldn't be much use if you was a carpenter, would it? Hit your thumb every third attempt with the hammer!
John: Or a dentist! Drill the wrong tooth every third time! Ha ha!
Wilf: Or an opera singer. Miss a note every third warble Ha ha ha. Wouldn't last long at Covent Garden, would you? Ha ha ha ha!
At this stage there was a total breakdown in transmission. Europa equalised in the 90th minute. Three days later the two teams are still taking penalties to decide who is the InterContinental Champion.
*************************************************************************************************
Brexit Got Done...and celebrated.
In a luxurious banqueting hall in Westminster, quite close to Number Ten, standing around drinking champagne are Mugg, Gov, Handcod, Richi, on whom the many other Ministers of the British Cabinet who are also present, fawn. Suddenly the double doors open to reveal Floppo, their Leader. The Ministers cheer and clap him. He massages his head and grins. Mugg hands him an overflowing glass of champagne.
Floppo: Ha! My glass floweth over, what. We got Brexit done!
The others laugh and giggle and slap each other on the back, and start to sing ‘For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow’, ‘Rule Britannia’, and ‘Floreat Etonia!'
Floppo: Most kind. Most kind. But it’s not just my leadership which makes our country great. We’re world-leading in everything, aren’t we? World-beaters. The envy of the world. Even more so now we’ve left those upstarts in the EU!
The others cheer, slurp their champagne and elbow each other trying to get closer to their leader.
Mugg: I say. Did you see what those ghastly people at UNICEF are doing? Sending food to working-class kids over here! Damned nerve!
Gov: Ridiculous. If there are any starving kids in England, it’s a pity their parents don’t work harder. Have another glass. Anyway, who cares? In a party poll, 98% of taxpayers say they’re happy and would vote for us again. Jolly good, eh?
Mugg: Send 'em back down the mines, I say. Do they think we're made of money?
Floppo: On that subject, Richi, how much money do we have in the bank?
Richi: Well, um, nothing actually.
Floppo: Nothing?
Richi: No, nothing at all.
Floppo: Well, what the devil are you going to do about it? We can borrow some more surely?
Richi: Absolutely. I’ve been in touch with the Sino-Arabian Global Investment Bank concerning their core offering, the multiple derived layered confidence bond.
Mugg: I know them. I do hedge funding with them. Utterly reliable. Been in business since 2018.
Handcod: And they’ve funded many last-minute NHS contracts.
Floppo: What interest rate do they expect?
Richi: None!
All: None?! None?!
Richi: None. The only stipulation is that at the end of each appointed term, we give them one seat in the House of Lords.
Floppo: No problem. We’ll give them Labour seats. Is that all?
Richi: Well, not quite. They ask for Chinese chefs to be appointed in the Commons dining room.
Floppo: No problem.
Richi: And no alcohol to be served.
All: What?! Are they mad?
Floppo: Sorry, not possible. Absolutely impossible.
Richi: Their Vice-President Important Customer Relations said he thought that might be a problem, so they’ve calculated what he calls a low level of financial repayment instead.
Floppo takes him by the arm and leads him away to a remote corner of the room where they talk quietly. They return smiling.
Floppo: I shall agree to their terms. (Sigh of relief from all.) I want a press release about the new arrangements something like:
‘The government is again showing its world-leading concern for visions and values and is proud to associate with a bank of such integrity, in the sole interest of the British people in these difficult global times.’ The Minister for Posture and Prating leaves the room at the trot.
Floppo: Now. A different subject. There is some trepidation about the after effects of Brexit. At least, for the first few weeks. Shortages and stuff like that. Knowing our working-class, there may even be riots. We need a plan to cope with that. So I’ve appointed Lord Rumble of Belch to draw up a plan for combatting such riots.
Mugg: A good chap. Reliable.
Floppo: Yes, I think he’s a good choice. Loves his food. When we were at Eton together he was known as ‘The Scoffer.’ He’ll shortly issue a press release saying that Her Majesty’s Armed Forces will be standing ready to combat any violence. And that everything is being done to ensure that food reaches every family’s table. I’ve appointed Brigadier Victor Thump to oversee military operations. He assured me that he will not tolerate any violence on our streets. Over to you, Gov.
Gov: Max Hoard will be appointed Minister for Stock-piling and Ration Books, later today. He will issue a statement saying, ‘Not one person in Britain will go hungry for longer than three days. Your government will ensure that the British people – man, woman and child – shall not be without food so long as they have their ration books.
Handcod: As you requested, I’ve appointed Yasmine Aspirinoval as Assistant Minister for Stock-piling Medecines. And she has talked to Brigadier Thump about troops for hospital wards in case patients start fighting over prescriptions, or delayed operations or bed linen laundry.
Floppo: Excellent. Well, I think we deserve another half-dozen bottles. There is a loud banging on the double doors.
Floppo: Who the devil’s that? See who it is, someone. One of the Ministers opens the doors to reveal an old man in scruffy clothing.
Old Man: Is this the House of Come-ons?
Floppo: What did he say? Bring him here. The old man shuffles forward. Floppo: Now, my man, what are you doing here?
Old Man: I’m looking for the House of Come-ons.
Floppo: H’m. I think you’ve got the place-name wrong.
Old Man: Well, anyway, lad. I’m ‘ere to see a Mr. Melrose. Ben Melrose. Asked to see me, ‘e did.
Astonishment all round. Whispers of “Benjamin Melrose is our chief donor, billionaire, gave millions to the party at the election...”
Floppo: Quiet! Well, he isn’t here. I’ll send someone to find him.
Old Man: Fanks, lad. I’ve come a long way. From up north.
Gasps all round.
Gov: He’s from the Red Wall area! One of Labour’s voters that turned to us!
Mugg: Have a glass of champers, old gentleman!
Gov: You are most welcome, my dear chap!
Handcod: A long journey! Care for some aspirin? It's good for aching feet.
Floppo: Now we've got Brexit done, we shall concentrate on levelling-up.
Old Man: Good! It's about time those bloody pot-holes were filled in.
Floppo: H'm. May we know why you are meeting Mr. Melrose?
Old man: No problem, lad. The news will soon be out in the ‘Mirror’. (Shudders all round.) Says he’s fed up giving ‘is millions to the Tory party. And will give ‘em all to Labour from now on.
Cries of: No! No! He can’t. It’s madness! What will we do?
Floppo: Quiet! Please! And just why is Mr. Melrose doing that?
Old Man: Simple, really. Got involved in a lot of law-suits while ‘e was making ‘is millions, ‘e said. Developed a big admiration for classy lawyers. Seein’ as ‘ow that Starmer is a classy lawyer, Jim wants to support ‘im all the way to the next election. That’s it, lad.
Enter Mr. Melrose.
Melrose: Ah, there you are, Frank. Let’s go somewhere else. I don’t like the company here. And I don't like continuous U-turns.
He stares icily at Floppo, looks at the others with a sneer on his face, puts his arm round the Old Man’s shoulder, and they leave.
The Ministers are groaning in despair, filling their glasses sloppily, looking accusingly at Floppo and finally inching towards for the double doors leaving him standing alone, massaging his head.
Floppo: Sic transit gloria melroses….
Enter the Minister for Europe.
Minister: Brussels has sent an addendum to the 1267 pages of the agreement. They say we must go into Lockdown Tier 5. Either we accept - or no deal!'
Floppo: Ah ha!
THE END.
*********************************************************************************************************
Algorithms make for better Government.
Recent studies have shown that the use of artificial intelligence (AI) in making decisions on governmental issues provides better answers than the personal wishes of an egotistical leader or the discussions of a 24 person Cabinet.
Professor Incho Blink of the London School of Algorithmics said at a press conference today, “Our in-depth research has shown that AI can be of considerable benefit to both government and citizens. And most probably it would be more cost-effective in the long run. We have presented these results to the Prime Minister and to the Minister for Culture, Sport and Digital Affairs, from whom we expect to hear shortly.”
Examples of the studies have been published and are given below. They show the question put to the AI software, its answer, and its rationale for the answer.
1. What is the action that should be taken in the case of an international pandemic?
Answer: Immediate Lockdown
Rationale: Inhibit spread of germ through social contact. 1 person infects on average 10, 10 - 100, 100 - 1000 and so on, quickly reaching millions of infected cases.
2. Will costs go up after Brexit?
Answer: Yes.
Rationale: Brexit means leaving the biggest trading bloc in the world, whence 62% of UK fresh food emanates and 78% of medical supplies. Customs duties etc will result in increase in living expenses of £200 per person per month.
3. Should tax-payer funds be spent on aircraft carriers and submarines?
Answer: No.
Rationale: Both can be destroyed easily by drones using sophisticated untrackable software.
4. Should taxpayer funds be spent on drones?
Answer: Yes.
Rationale: To protect British fisheries
5. Should taxpayer funds be given as aid to foreign countries?
Answer: No.
Rationale: Charity for homeless and hungry begins at home.
6. Which people working for Britain should benefit from pay increases and which not?
Answer: NHS workers - Yes. MPs. - No.
Rationale: Calculation based on usefulness to society.
7. Have Eton’s 26 Prime Ministers been good for Britain?
Answer: No.
Rationale: The last two are overseeing the demise of Britain’s economy and its standing in the world.
Winter is a-comin' in
Enjoy your upcoming Christmas until Brexit Wrecksit.
Have a relaxing time before Brexit Breaksit.
But, as a matter of urgency, start stockpiling now!!
Crisps, beer, wines, Mars bars, processed peas, and curry powder, etc., etc.
If in doubt over what to stock up on, go to www.stockingfillers.org
and then tap www.aidoutsidelondon.
Are you sick? Do you need regular medication? It’s by no means Made in Britain.
Most is imported, so stock up because your meds will get stuck in a lorry-jam in Dover.
Fill your spare bedroom and your garage with food. Supermarkets will be empty soon.
Stock up now on loo rolls and bottled water and batteries. Energy and water services might stop working.
Schools may well be closed – to make space for food and alcoholic beverages for MPs,
the Cabinet, the Lords and other people essential to the well-being of our great nation.
Above all, Keep Calm and Carry On. ‘Space, Face, Trace.’
The Government is fulfilling the will of the British people.
Enjoy.
"A gripping read, written from the assassin's point of view'
'fast-paced, almost unrolling like a movie'
'action-packed with a ruthless assassin'
'an amazing story that is very difficult to put down'
Serialisation of the best-selling thriller
'The Contract Assassin'
starts below.........
CHAPTER ONE.
I take a taxi to the Ritz. The journey from De Gaulle Aeroport is the same old boring trip across a wasteland of motorway, through those ugly tunnels and into the city. Paris is OK in the centre, but the approaches are grey, so grey, that you wonder why it was ever called the City of Light. I guess they didn't have the traffic when it was the City of Light. We go round on the Peripherique, three lanes of wall to wall traffic, into the Place de la Bastille, that carousel of totally impatient drivers, out onto whatever boulevard it is and finally the front of the Ritz. I don't particularly like this place – it isn't as classy as the Raphael, but there they know me well and I need a little anonymity right now. I check in, arrange to have my bag sent up and go out. Through a couple of streets, past all those young couples enjoying romantic Paris, and across the bridge. I look down at the banks of the Seine, and then go into Gerard's for a drink. I sit and wait. A no show. After fifteen minutes I leave.
I walk to Le Grand Vefour and am shown to the table I ordered – the one where they always claim Napoleon sat. I order a drink and wait, watching the entrance area. Whether or not the contact turns up, this is where I'll eat. Ten minutes go by. A girl walks in, unaccompanied. She says something to the Maitre D' and he guides her to my table. This is a surprise. She slides gracefully onto the padded bench beside me.
“Sorry to keep you waiting,” she says. “Too much traffic.”
I assure her it's not a problem, which it most certainly isn't. She's a stunner. Even the waiters notice. We go through the menu, order the stuff – we decide no starter, blue lobster as the main dish and the famous cube manjari for dessert - and start a general chat about nothing. I look at her and think. Usually the contacts are unnoticeable nonentities that nobody would ever remember. They look like businessmen, which is my cover. Well, she certainly isn't unnoticeable. I am curious as to why there has been a change of style in the operation.
“Been doing this long?” I ask. She puts down her drink, turns and looks me full in the face, almost a life-changing experience.“Doing what?”
“Dining at Le Grand Vefour.” “Oh, don't be silly,” she smiles. “This is my first time.” I don't like change, but this is different. Maybe there's some kind of mistake. I pull out my iPad and pass it to her as though showing some photographs. She slides a small envelope behind it, I pick it up with the envelope and put them away. So. The real thing. Which is a big shame because contacts are used only once. Just to be sure, I excuse myself and go to the toilettes. I look at the slip of paper in the envelope which tells me where to get what I need and where to dispose of it. It's efficient. Pity about the short acquaintance with the girl. Maybe I could alter that. I go back to the table. I see she is watching me.
“How about dinner tomorrow night?” I ask. “I leave Paris tomorrow morning.” “Where are you going? Maybe we could meet there.” The Maitre D' is standing by the table.“Your driver is here, Mademoiselle.” We embrace and she leaves. Nobody would believe that a guy would let a girl, as cute as she looks, leave on her own. I pay and walk to the Pont Neuf. The dark Seine glistens. I walk up one side of the bridge and down the other. Then back to the hotel for a couple of hours.
The Range Rover is black, as are the bars on the front. I park on the Quai Francois Mitterand just round the corner from the Pont Neuf and wait for my call. This job is a tricky one and needs a little bit of luck. That nobody will be in the way when I want to get behind the target. I don't like relying on luck but sometimes it adds a bit of spice to an operation. My phone rings and I'm told the target is on his way. I start the engine and get ready. Here he comes in his yellow Ferrari, hard to miss. I swing out behind him, cutting up a small Peugeot who sounds his horn angrily. Tough. The Ferrari turns on to the Pont Neuf, as do I
Associated Press. Paris. The famous financier, Earl Lang, died yesterday when his Ferrari apparently drove through the parapet of the Pont Neuf and fell into the Seine, late at night. Police are investigating. A resident of the area said that it was difficult to see how he could have driven through the parapet which is made of stone.
Chapter Two will follow shortly.
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"Floppo Hood and his Merrie Cabinet Ministers"
Soon to be a movie!
LIST OF CHARACTERS:
Floppo Hood - The luckiest politician of all time.
Friar Gove - The world-leading expert.
Handcod - The horse-loving apothecary.
Richie - The biggest tax fund trader ever.
Maid Pretty - Famous for her sweet nature.
Prop - Propaganda chief.
Mapp - Pollster, CEO of CON
An old man.
***********************
A room in Number Ten. MORNING. Ministers sing and dance.
“We are the Tory rich;
We're ripping off the poor.
We're leaving them without a stitch,
The bailiff at the door.
We're the golden boys of politics! Rather!
We are the filthy rich;
We're ripping off the poor.
We take it all without a hitch,
'cos we're above the law.
We're the golden boys of politics. Rather!
FLOPPO: Well done! We’ll have to stop this dancing, though. Place is falling apart. I’m glad to hear you’ve all had your three jabs. We must now work on ensuring we get re-elected.
FRIAR GOVE: Absolutely. There are only four years to go. (Aside) And I need time to prepare my pitch to the voters.
HANDCOD: I entirely agree. (Aside) I need to see the blasted Covid finished and then I can prepare my pitch.
RICHI: I agree entirely. (Aside) Happily, I’m the obvious choice for next PM.
FLOPPO: I’m told there's millions of poor out there. We need to level them up and build them better.
RICHI: Very true. But we need to look after our shareholders, sorry, constituencies first. They need their fair share of our GDP
FLOPPO: Of course! But the poor? They need help. Should I put on my hard-hat and go and visit them? (Aside) What on earth is GDP?
MAID PRETTY: But what about all those foreigners that keep popping up at Dover? There aren’t enough camps to put them. They’ll be wandering about in our leafy suburbs soon.
FLOPPO: Damned Belgians, are they?
MAID PRETTY: How should I know?
FRIAR GOVE: Excuse me. Can we get back to the point?
FLOPPO: Quite. What is the point, actually?
HANDCOD: Our good friends and donors want more contracts. They say they want to do their best for the country.
FLOPPO: Ah. What does the country need? Is there anything world-beating?
HANDCOD: Actually there is. Scunthorpe Vaccinatory is working on a vaccine for a new variant of Covid.
FRIAR GOVE: Not another variant?
HANDCOD: Yes. And it looks quite nasty.
FLOPPO: Where’s it from this time? Such a bore.
HANDCOD: The Falkland Isles.
FLOPPO: What! I thought they were British!
FRIAR GOVE: We must find out. Ask whatsisname. You know, the Foreign Secretary. Rub or something.
FLOPPO: More to the point, where’s Scunthorpe?
HANDCOD: Up North.
RICHIE: Working class place. Never been there, but I hear it’s dreadful. What’s that din outside?
(Outside – a singing noise.)
OLD MAN:
"Can't get a educashun; can't get no rotten work.
Every rotten politician is a money-making jerk.
Me muvver's in the hospital; wiv a bloke on either side;
Can't find a rotten dentist wivart a forty minute ride.
Drunks lyin' on the pavement; potholes in the road;
Useless rotten government; rotten billions owed.
Thank you, politicians; and all your clever staff.
Are you working for the working man? Don't make me rotten larf!"
FRIAR GOVE: Clearly somebody lacking in education. Working class, no doubt.
MAID PRETTY: I’ll have him arrested. And deported.
FLOPPO: No. Bring him in. I’ll put on my hard hat and we’ll ask him what’s his problem.
(Enter OLD MAN.)
FLOPPO: Please take a seat, old chap.
OLD MAN: Who are you, then?
FLOPPO: Never mind that. Why were you singing outside on Downing Street?
OLD MAN: Where?
FLOPPO: Er. Never mind that, either. Why were you singing?
OLD Man: ‘Cos I’m off. Leaving.
Floppo: Where are you going?
OLD MAN: France. If it's any business of yours, young man.
FLOPPO: France? But that’s in the EU.
OLD MAN: Aye, France. It's warmer there and they have baguettes and citizens' banks. And that's where I'm going.
RICHIE: Taking lots of money with you, are you?
(The Ministers all laugh.)
OLD Man: Aye. Although what its got to do with you, I don't know. Who are you lot anyway, with all your impertinent questions, eh?
(Enter PROP, Director of Propaganda.).
PROP: I say! Stormer’s going on Channel 4 tonight! About the NHS!
FLOPPO: So?
PROP: He’s going to lead a clapping tribute. Followed by one minute’s silence.
And then he’s going to outline his plan for the future. Big money for the NHS! And he’s going to say the pay-rise of 1% is a kick in the face. And remind everybody that they saved your life!
FLOPPO: Oh God. This is all your fault, Richie!
RICHIE: Er… Er…
FLOPPO: Didn’t you think of the consequences? 1%! Didn’t you learn anything when you were working at Rothschilds? Too busy drinking Coca-Cola, I suppose.
RICHIE: Here, that’s a bit rich! I discussed it with you. But, it was clear you weren’t interested. You were reading the quotes for your refurbishments and and for the media room.
FLOPPO: Anyway, I’ve been thinking. (Astonished looks all round.) I want you to meet our new polling consultants. (Enter MAPP, a very attractive young woman.)
This is Mapp Svelte, CEO of Consolidated Opinionating Numerology. CON for short.
She is going to make sure that none of you make promises, or express an opinion, that the voters might not like. And we must all co-operate. This is how it will work.
Before making a promise, or a big statement, you must first text the text to CON. This will be immediately submitted to an opinion poll by Mapp and her team using algorithms, with results back in three minutes. If the poll has above 60% approval, you can go ahead. If not, you kill the idea. Is that clear? No? Mapp will explain further.
MAPP: Is there any coffee? This will obviously take a while….
*********************************************************************************
BRITAIN’S BROKEN DEMOCRACY
Only 36.4% of the UK electorate voted to leave the EU,
the biggest trade group in the world
(referendum turnout was 70% - of them 52% said leave
which equals 36.4% of the total electorate)
the votes of just over one third of Britons – deliberately misinformed, misled
and even lied to by their leaders started the biggest peacetime initiative ever in British history
now the UK needs to negotiate with 27 EU countries on exit terms
needs to negotiate with 162 WTO countries to agree trading terms
but the government has no experience of negotiations
and has hired consultants to do this
estimated cost to the taxpayer £3 billion +
exiting the EU means saying goodbye to
the UK's major trading partner and its access to many
other markets under bilateral agreements
rising prices
rising unemployment
businesses leaving with resultant loss of jobs
Broken….Britain
RIP GB
******************************************************************************
And Now! The InterContinental Cup Final 2020!
As many of you will remember there was a huge technical failure which resulted in millions not being able to see the Final on TV. We are therefore very proud to be able to bring to all those disappointed fans a transcript of the game, as commentated by John Atkins and Wilf Baker.
John: Well, welcome Ladies and Gentlemen, to the InterContinental Final here tonight between Europa and Latino. It's sure to be a cracker!
Wilf: Absolutely, John. These two teams represent the very best the game can offer. The best players in Europe. Taking on the best players in Latin America. Each team has fought hard to get here, tonight, and they'll be looking for a result.
John: That's right, Wilf. There was a strong challenge from MidEast but they failed on penalties against Asia. And then Africa were disqualified when their Captain kicked a steward after drawing with Scandinavia.
Wilf: Yeah. That sort of behaviour's not good for the game.
John: No, Wilf, but sometimes the excitement of it all can overcome even the best of players. Not good, though.
Wilf: Too right. Look at the American goalie who head-butted the ref. No excuse for that, is there
John: Here they come! The two best teams in the world! Coming out of the tunnel, now! They've got those big banners spread out over their heads 'Say No to Racism'. And there's Becks leading the stewards carrying the huge solid silver trophy!
Wilf: Weighs a bit that, by the look of it. There's England's new coach, John!
John: Six and a half million quid, he gets.
Wilf: Can he speak English, yet?
John: Good question, Wilf. Had a word with him earlier today - said he can't say anything without his lawyer present.
Wilf: That'll be because he's got a law suit back home.
John: Europa have won the toss and they're going to kick off.
Wilf: Er. John. Got a little problem, here.
John: The ref is shaking hands all round.
Wilf: 'Scuse me, John.
John: They had a hard time choosing a ref for this game but they settled on Tsbeki Ungawa from Mugamba-Ogowe. Good reputation.
Wilf: John….
John: Mugamba-Ogowe was the second country in the world to play football. What's the matter, Wilf?
Wilf: They haven't sent up the team lists to us.
John: Well, go and get them, then.
Wilf: That's it. Can't. Door's locked. Big security for this game, John. Expecting a lot of fan trouble.
John: Bloody Hell! You mean we have to give a commentary without knowing the names of the players? I can't believe it!
Wilf: I'm trying to e-mail the desk but it won't go through. What we gonna do?
John: What info do we have? I suppose they've given us something.
Wilf: Well. In a manner of speaking, like.
John: Well, what then?
Wilf: They'v given us the last transfer price of each player.
John: Oh, bloody marvellous! Is that it?
Wilf: That's it.
John: Alright, then. Here's what we do. We give the commentary by referring to the transfer price, OK? Instead of their names, right? Let the viewers figure it out.
Wilf: We'd better get going. Ten minutes has gone already.
John: Right. There's Europa's captain, £53 million, passing the ball out to the left wing, to the £45 million striker who's charging in to the centre. He's gone through two Latino backs worth £77 million and he's lining up to score! Only the goalie to beat! He's skyed it! At least thirty feet over the post. What an opportunity! Latino was caught napping there, Wilf.
Wilf: He's holding his head and looking up to the heavens! His team-mates are a bit disappointed. And the coach is chewing even faster than normal. Bad sign that, John. Means the tension's rising already.
John: The Latino goalie, £45 million, has kicked it well up field where it's gone to Europa's £58 million mid-field player. He's sent a long ball right to the feet of ..of…oh, it's Latino's play-maker. £80 million there, Wilf. He's precision passed to his right-winger, the £25 million young lad who's making a big impression here. He's running with the ball. A heavy tackle from - oh! He's punched him! I mean, the lad has punched the Europa back who tackled him. The back is rolling on the floor, looking at the ref. He's screaming in pain! It's a free kick to Latino. But it's a yellow card for the lad.
Wilf: The coach doesn't look too pleased with that decision, John. He's thrown his tie on the floor and he's stamping on it.
John: It's that hot-blooded temperament, Wilf. Latino's captain's going to take it. Must be all of 28 metres. He's belted it - but it's gone straight into the wall. It comes right out, Latino's £63 million winger has come racing in - he's passed two Europa defenders, £72 million, the Europa goalie's come out, Europa's £36 million deep back has grabbed the shirt of the Latino winger. The Latino winger has dropped like a stone to the floor, he's rolling around in agony, he's rolling up like a ball, he's looking at the ref.
Wilf: What a waste of time! Get up, you big ponce!
John: The ref gestures on the medical team. They give the winger a quick spray. He's up on his feet again, running about.
Wilf: I reckon they take lessons in falling over, some of these players.
John: Yes, well. Free kick again to Latino. The lad takes it and it's close! But it hits the post. Bounces out, bounces on the foot of Latino's captain and it's in the net! Latino have scored! It's One Nil. After 35 minutes.
Wilf: He looked a bit surprised, that captain.
John: He's running around holding his shirt above his head, his team-mates are hugging and kissing him, the coach is hugging the assistant coach. They're doing a samba or something.. They're running on to the pitch! The ref is trying to get the game started again. Exciting stuff, Wilf!
Wilf: Too right! Let's see what the passing accuracy is. Hmm. 65%
John: 65%?
Wilf: Yeah, 65%. Wouldn't be much use if you was a carpenter, would it? Hit your thumb every third attempt with the hammer!
John: Or a dentist! Drill the wrong tooth every third time! Ha ha!
Wilf: Or an opera singer. Miss a note every third warble Ha ha ha. Wouldn't last long at Covent Garden, would you? Ha ha ha ha!
At this stage there was a total breakdown in transmission. Europa equalised in the 90th minute. Three days later the two teams are still taking penalties to decide who is the InterContinental Champion.
*************************************************************************************************
Brexit Got Done...and celebrated.
In a luxurious banqueting hall in Westminster, quite close to Number Ten, standing around drinking champagne are Mugg, Gov, Handcod, Richi, on whom the many other Ministers of the British Cabinet who are also present, fawn. Suddenly the double doors open to reveal Floppo, their Leader. The Ministers cheer and clap him. He massages his head and grins. Mugg hands him an overflowing glass of champagne.
Floppo: Ha! My glass floweth over, what. We got Brexit done!
The others laugh and giggle and slap each other on the back, and start to sing ‘For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow’, ‘Rule Britannia’, and ‘Floreat Etonia!'
Floppo: Most kind. Most kind. But it’s not just my leadership which makes our country great. We’re world-leading in everything, aren’t we? World-beaters. The envy of the world. Even more so now we’ve left those upstarts in the EU!
The others cheer, slurp their champagne and elbow each other trying to get closer to their leader.
Mugg: I say. Did you see what those ghastly people at UNICEF are doing? Sending food to working-class kids over here! Damned nerve!
Gov: Ridiculous. If there are any starving kids in England, it’s a pity their parents don’t work harder. Have another glass. Anyway, who cares? In a party poll, 98% of taxpayers say they’re happy and would vote for us again. Jolly good, eh?
Mugg: Send 'em back down the mines, I say. Do they think we're made of money?
Floppo: On that subject, Richi, how much money do we have in the bank?
Richi: Well, um, nothing actually.
Floppo: Nothing?
Richi: No, nothing at all.
Floppo: Well, what the devil are you going to do about it? We can borrow some more surely?
Richi: Absolutely. I’ve been in touch with the Sino-Arabian Global Investment Bank concerning their core offering, the multiple derived layered confidence bond.
Mugg: I know them. I do hedge funding with them. Utterly reliable. Been in business since 2018.
Handcod: And they’ve funded many last-minute NHS contracts.
Floppo: What interest rate do they expect?
Richi: None!
All: None?! None?!
Richi: None. The only stipulation is that at the end of each appointed term, we give them one seat in the House of Lords.
Floppo: No problem. We’ll give them Labour seats. Is that all?
Richi: Well, not quite. They ask for Chinese chefs to be appointed in the Commons dining room.
Floppo: No problem.
Richi: And no alcohol to be served.
All: What?! Are they mad?
Floppo: Sorry, not possible. Absolutely impossible.
Richi: Their Vice-President Important Customer Relations said he thought that might be a problem, so they’ve calculated what he calls a low level of financial repayment instead.
Floppo takes him by the arm and leads him away to a remote corner of the room where they talk quietly. They return smiling.
Floppo: I shall agree to their terms. (Sigh of relief from all.) I want a press release about the new arrangements something like:
‘The government is again showing its world-leading concern for visions and values and is proud to associate with a bank of such integrity, in the sole interest of the British people in these difficult global times.’ The Minister for Posture and Prating leaves the room at the trot.
Floppo: Now. A different subject. There is some trepidation about the after effects of Brexit. At least, for the first few weeks. Shortages and stuff like that. Knowing our working-class, there may even be riots. We need a plan to cope with that. So I’ve appointed Lord Rumble of Belch to draw up a plan for combatting such riots.
Mugg: A good chap. Reliable.
Floppo: Yes, I think he’s a good choice. Loves his food. When we were at Eton together he was known as ‘The Scoffer.’ He’ll shortly issue a press release saying that Her Majesty’s Armed Forces will be standing ready to combat any violence. And that everything is being done to ensure that food reaches every family’s table. I’ve appointed Brigadier Victor Thump to oversee military operations. He assured me that he will not tolerate any violence on our streets. Over to you, Gov.
Gov: Max Hoard will be appointed Minister for Stock-piling and Ration Books, later today. He will issue a statement saying, ‘Not one person in Britain will go hungry for longer than three days. Your government will ensure that the British people – man, woman and child – shall not be without food so long as they have their ration books.
Handcod: As you requested, I’ve appointed Yasmine Aspirinoval as Assistant Minister for Stock-piling Medecines. And she has talked to Brigadier Thump about troops for hospital wards in case patients start fighting over prescriptions, or delayed operations or bed linen laundry.
Floppo: Excellent. Well, I think we deserve another half-dozen bottles. There is a loud banging on the double doors.
Floppo: Who the devil’s that? See who it is, someone. One of the Ministers opens the doors to reveal an old man in scruffy clothing.
Old Man: Is this the House of Come-ons?
Floppo: What did he say? Bring him here. The old man shuffles forward. Floppo: Now, my man, what are you doing here?
Old Man: I’m looking for the House of Come-ons.
Floppo: H’m. I think you’ve got the place-name wrong.
Old Man: Well, anyway, lad. I’m ‘ere to see a Mr. Melrose. Ben Melrose. Asked to see me, ‘e did.
Astonishment all round. Whispers of “Benjamin Melrose is our chief donor, billionaire, gave millions to the party at the election...”
Floppo: Quiet! Well, he isn’t here. I’ll send someone to find him.
Old Man: Fanks, lad. I’ve come a long way. From up north.
Gasps all round.
Gov: He’s from the Red Wall area! One of Labour’s voters that turned to us!
Mugg: Have a glass of champers, old gentleman!
Gov: You are most welcome, my dear chap!
Handcod: A long journey! Care for some aspirin? It's good for aching feet.
Floppo: Now we've got Brexit done, we shall concentrate on levelling-up.
Old Man: Good! It's about time those bloody pot-holes were filled in.
Floppo: H'm. May we know why you are meeting Mr. Melrose?
Old man: No problem, lad. The news will soon be out in the ‘Mirror’. (Shudders all round.) Says he’s fed up giving ‘is millions to the Tory party. And will give ‘em all to Labour from now on.
Cries of: No! No! He can’t. It’s madness! What will we do?
Floppo: Quiet! Please! And just why is Mr. Melrose doing that?
Old Man: Simple, really. Got involved in a lot of law-suits while ‘e was making ‘is millions, ‘e said. Developed a big admiration for classy lawyers. Seein’ as ‘ow that Starmer is a classy lawyer, Jim wants to support ‘im all the way to the next election. That’s it, lad.
Enter Mr. Melrose.
Melrose: Ah, there you are, Frank. Let’s go somewhere else. I don’t like the company here. And I don't like continuous U-turns.
He stares icily at Floppo, looks at the others with a sneer on his face, puts his arm round the Old Man’s shoulder, and they leave.
The Ministers are groaning in despair, filling their glasses sloppily, looking accusingly at Floppo and finally inching towards for the double doors leaving him standing alone, massaging his head.
Floppo: Sic transit gloria melroses….
Enter the Minister for Europe.
Minister: Brussels has sent an addendum to the 1267 pages of the agreement. They say we must go into Lockdown Tier 5. Either we accept - or no deal!'
Floppo: Ah ha!
THE END.
*********************************************************************************************************
Algorithms make for better Government.
Recent studies have shown that the use of artificial intelligence (AI) in making decisions on governmental issues provides better answers than the personal wishes of an egotistical leader or the discussions of a 24 person Cabinet.
Professor Incho Blink of the London School of Algorithmics said at a press conference today, “Our in-depth research has shown that AI can be of considerable benefit to both government and citizens. And most probably it would be more cost-effective in the long run. We have presented these results to the Prime Minister and to the Minister for Culture, Sport and Digital Affairs, from whom we expect to hear shortly.”
Examples of the studies have been published and are given below. They show the question put to the AI software, its answer, and its rationale for the answer.
1. What is the action that should be taken in the case of an international pandemic?
Answer: Immediate Lockdown
Rationale: Inhibit spread of germ through social contact. 1 person infects on average 10, 10 - 100, 100 - 1000 and so on, quickly reaching millions of infected cases.
2. Will costs go up after Brexit?
Answer: Yes.
Rationale: Brexit means leaving the biggest trading bloc in the world, whence 62% of UK fresh food emanates and 78% of medical supplies. Customs duties etc will result in increase in living expenses of £200 per person per month.
3. Should tax-payer funds be spent on aircraft carriers and submarines?
Answer: No.
Rationale: Both can be destroyed easily by drones using sophisticated untrackable software.
4. Should taxpayer funds be spent on drones?
Answer: Yes.
Rationale: To protect British fisheries
5. Should taxpayer funds be given as aid to foreign countries?
Answer: No.
Rationale: Charity for homeless and hungry begins at home.
6. Which people working for Britain should benefit from pay increases and which not?
Answer: NHS workers - Yes. MPs. - No.
Rationale: Calculation based on usefulness to society.
7. Have Eton’s 26 Prime Ministers been good for Britain?
Answer: No.
Rationale: The last two are overseeing the demise of Britain’s economy and its standing in the world.
Winter is a-comin' in
Enjoy your upcoming Christmas until Brexit Wrecksit.
Have a relaxing time before Brexit Breaksit.
But, as a matter of urgency, start stockpiling now!!
Crisps, beer, wines, Mars bars, processed peas, and curry powder, etc., etc.
If in doubt over what to stock up on, go to www.stockingfillers.org
and then tap www.aidoutsidelondon.
Are you sick? Do you need regular medication? It’s by no means Made in Britain.
Most is imported, so stock up because your meds will get stuck in a lorry-jam in Dover.
Fill your spare bedroom and your garage with food. Supermarkets will be empty soon.
Stock up now on loo rolls and bottled water and batteries. Energy and water services might stop working.
Schools may well be closed – to make space for food and alcoholic beverages for MPs,
the Cabinet, the Lords and other people essential to the well-being of our great nation.
Above all, Keep Calm and Carry On. ‘Space, Face, Trace.’
The Government is fulfilling the will of the British people.
Enjoy.
Planning Permission given in Downing Street.
London County Council has granted permission for the following retail facilities to be built
in pursuance of the need to get Britain workers back into London’s streets:
The ‘Dodge & Duck’ public house
The de Pfeffel Waffle Shop – ‘world-beating bites.’
Snak’s Snax - ‘£10 off every bite.’
The Floppy Hair Men’s Barbers
Gavin’s Charity Shop – ‘helping poor schools’
The Maskery – ‘masks for all with instructions’
Dominion’s Scruffy Clothing Department Store
The U-Turn Driving School – with best skid pan
The Friends of the Tory Party Foundation Head Office.
*******************************
--
The Westminster Summer Panto.
Characters:
Chairman Bo
Deputy Chairman Rub
Health Minister Handcod
Chief Aide Dominion Coming
PR Person Isaiah Livido.
The Scene is set in the Village of Westminster.Where currently there is a Competition for Supreme Waffler Award.
Livido: Well, Mr. Chairman, I have a new slogan for your consideration.
Bo: Have you seen it Dom?
Dom: Oh yes. Not bad.
Bo: Rub?
Rub: Er, no. Been busy.
Bo: Busy? Waddya mean busy? Eh? What busy?
Rub: Well, er....
Bo: Handcod? What have you been doing?
Hc: I've been on telly telling the citizens what to do in hospital, haven't I?
Bo: Oh, ah, yes. Um, well done. So, Isaac, speak.
Livido: Isaiah, actually.
Bo: Isaiah? That's a bloody odd slogan!
Livido: No, no, Mr. Chairman. I meant Isaiah is my name, not Isaac.
Bo: Let's hear the slogan for Heaven's sake!
Livido: Stay Alert! Stay Awake! Vote for me!
Bo: (Scratches head.) Not bad. Not bad at all. Lacks the elegance of Floreat Eton, but nihil nostrum totalitis eh? One can't have everything, what? What do you all think? You first Rub.
Rub: Absolutely just right, Mr. Chairman.
Hc: Perfect, Mr. Chairman.
Dom: H'm. I'm not sure. The citizens may think you're trying to get re-elected as Chairman. They might not have the intelligence to realise that you want their votes to get you elected as Supreme Waffler. They get confused easily. As we know! Ha ha!
Rub: Ha ha!
HC: Ha ha!
Livido: Oh yes, otherwise I'd be unemployed! Ha ha!
Bo: Well. I like it. It goes straight to the point. Get me a slot on telly. What else?
Livido: Vans with side panels touring the country, TV ads. showing you as a man of the people -
Bo: Ah, that's the important bit. I must appear as a man of the people. How do you propose I do that? And be quick about it, if you please. I'm having my new love to dinner at Chequers.
Livido: The best way to appear as a man of the people, Mr. Chairman, is to appear on the citizens' favourite TV shows.
Bo: Which are?
Livido: Strictly Come Dancing, The Great British Bake-off, Love Island, and so on. Appearing on such shows would have a stunning impact. Of course, you mustn't win anything. That would go right against the 'Supreme Waffler' ethos.
Bo: Brilliant! How would you like to be Sir Isaac?
Livido: Isaiah, actually.
Bo: (Scratching head.) Fix it, Dom.
Dom: I don't do honours. And I'm not feeling too good.
Bo: Flee! Sic transit Supreme Waffler! Flee! Flee!
*******************************
BOJO AND THE MONARCHY
Ah, come in, Dom.
Morning Bojo! How’s it going, now you’re the big chief?
Um. I think we’ll have to cut out all that familiarity bearing in mind that I’m President. It’s time we got a little more serious. Now I’m President. In future, you may call me ‘Mr. President’.
Jeez.
Did you say something?
Er no. Mr. President. Sir.
Now. I want you to listen carefully and give me your considered opinion.
Of course, Bo- Mr. President. Of course. As always. Mr. President.
Good. I’ve been thinking about the Monarchy.
Uh huh.
Not at all democratic, is it?
Er no, Mr. President.
And my promise to the people was democracy.
Was it?
Of course it was. Now. The Monarchy. Did you know we’ve had 44 monarchs and of them 26 were foreigners.
No, I didn’t. Mr. President.
Half of them couldn’t speak English, some of them were barmy and for most of them the only work they ever did was hand out Dukedoms to their bastards. That Charles II had eleven bastards. Eleven! Why, I’ve only had - as I was saying. The Monarchy is not democratic and what has it ever done for the people, eh?
Mmm. As far as I’m aware, Mr. President. Nothing.
Right. Now. Her Majesty is not going to last much longer is she? She’s 93. And when she pops it, Prince Charles becomes King Charles. And he’s 71 already. Must our great nation be ruled by a lot of geriatrics? It’s quite ridiculous in this modern world.
True enough, Mr. President. But. We can get rid of the Civil Service, the Judiciary, the Foreign Office. We can beat Parliament into a flan. But the Monarchy? I dunno.
Oh, don’t be so wet, Dom! Of course we can! We can abolish it!
Abolish it? Abolish the Monarchy?
Alright. Not exactly abolish it. Might lose a lot of votes up north. What I mean is we must publish a ‘Non-Sequitur Monarchum’ Bill. Do you know what that means?
Not exactly, Mr. President.
If you stopped reading all your artificial intelligence stuff and learnt a little Latin, you might. It would be a Bill to abolish – not the Monarchy itself – but the handing down of the crown to the next in line in the royal family! There! What do you think about that? Instead of the crown passing to Charlie-boy, it would be given to somebody else!
Who?
Me! Who else, you idiot! Nobody else is qualified to do it, or has the necessary democratic support. See! It has to be me!
Oh! Right. H’m. Let me just calculate what your majority might be in the House for such a Bill. Mmm, can’t rely upon him, that guy is a total jerk, this one’s useless, mmm, h’m. OK. I think you’re good for a majority of 27. Mr. President.
That is excellent news. I knew I could rely upon you. Which would you rather be? A ‘Sir’ or a ‘Lord’?
I’m happy being a clever peasant in scruffy clothes.
I knew it! Well, if that’s what makes you happy… But, when I’m King Boris, I shall expect a higher quality of dress from you.
Of course, Your Majesty.
*******************************
PRIME MINISTER APPOINTS HIMSELF PRESIDENT OF UK.
Government and Parliament Dismissed.
At a dramatic press conference today, the self-appointed President of the UK had this to say about his new role:
“After all the difficulties of the negotiations with the EU, the utter confusion in the government, particularly the Cabinet, and with further separate factions setting up within the Conservative Party, it seemed to me that there was only one solution to our great nation's current problems. That I should become President and fulfil the wishes of hard-working British families concerning the EU, about which I have always been clear.
A President is able to get things done. Whereas a Cabinet of 26 differing opinions – each greedily concerned with their own position – is a waste of time. Courage, determination, tenacity and oomph will show Brussels that we are not to be bullied, whereas a Cabinet can only weaken our negotiating position.
At times of crisis, the world looks to Britain for moral leadership, military leadership and global leadership. We have a world-leading reputation for doing things better and I want us to keep this and remain the envy of the world.
I am happy to say that I have already received congratulatory telephone calls from President Trump, President Macron, President Maduro, President Putin, and President Xi JinPeng amongst many others.
In addition to getting the EU leaders to focus, I intend to be bold about curing the problems of our society and building upon the legacy of the Conservative Party's egalitarian past, despite the apparently poor understanding of economics that currently exists at Westminster.
I have appointed two Vice-Presidents. One is my always competent friend Dominion Coming and the other is John Problem, one of whose duties will be to write my biography.
After discussing the matter with them, it has been decided to extend my term of office to twelve years. This will allow sufficient time to get our great country back on track and resume our destiny as a world-leading global presence.
I know that, if we lift our eyes to the other side, we have it in our power to come through these difficult times stronger, now that I am President.
I must leave you now. War has broken out on the Scottish Border.”
*******************************
Boris and my pal Jason.
My pal Jason works for the government, selling any country assets that will raise money for the government, since it's horrendously in debt. He worked for Theresa, even though apparently she didn't like him, but he successfully raised millions so she put up with him.
When Boris got to be Prime Minister, Jason wondered if he'd still be in his job. Or if he'd be invited to join the anti-Brussels team. Anyway, yesterday Boris called him to Number Ten. This is the one-on-one conversation they had in the Prime Minister's office.
Boris: Sit. Coffee is coming.
Jason: Thank you, Prime Minister.
Boris: I think you're the man for the job I have in mind.
Jason: Um...Good.
Boris: I've just been looking at the country's accounts. It's no wonder they're never discussed. They're appalling! I had no idea! Do you know how bad the situation is? Have you seen the numbers? (He is scratching his head and moving it from side to side.)
Jason: Yes, Prime Minister, I have. A debt of £2.2 trillion, a bank account in the red to the tune of £112 billion and assorted debts where payment is being delayed.
Boris: Exactly! Appalling! It's worse than the last days of the Roman Empire!
Exeunt omnes, what? However. Let's move on. I presume you read my press releases?
Jason: Of course, Prime Minister. Every one.
Boris: Therefore you know that I've said I will improve everything. The North, the Police, state schools, the NHS, social care, whatever. So you can see my problem, no? Do you?
Jason: Yes, Prime Minister. Funds.
Boris: Spot on, Jason! Funds! Where are they going to come from? And I hear the Arab johnnies are worrying about their loans to us and could we eventually repay them! Damned upstarts! And to think some of them were at Eton with me! Ugh! Ah well, regardless, I need funds, Jason. I need funds. We must sell something! Something big! Or many something bigs! Do you have any ideas for me?
Jason: Yes, I do, Prime Minister.
Boris: Really? You do? That's a damn sight faster reaction than I get from my Ministers, I can tell you. What exactly do you have in mind, Jason? By Jupiter, I hope you've got something good for me.
Jason: Well, sir, I started from the premise that you would probably like to sell stuff that is going to be a real problem in the near future. And which could bring in good money and you would welcome being shot of.
Boris: Go on! Go on!
Jason: The Channel Ports.
Boris: Explain.
Jason: There's a lot whinging going on about the future delays at the Channel Ports with, for example, medicines being unavailable, food rotting, etc. Sell the ports off and the responsibility becomes somebody else's and not yours.
Boris: Interesting. But to whom would we sell the Channel Ports?
Jason: We obviously need someone who understands that in our interest he's got to make the ports work. No delays. So we need a tough operator. I've been in touch with Gianni Garambachi, a Sicilian businessman. He is interested and sees ways of increasing the revenues from the Ports. I have told him delays must be minimised. Is not a problem, he said.
Boris: What will he pay?
(Jason's reply cannot be shown here in view of the confidentiality of the negotiation.)
Boris: Excellent! Well done! Anything else, Jason?
Jason: Well, yes, sir. This is a big one and may be politically dangerous.
Boris: Go on! Go on!
Jason: You sell the border between Northern Ireland and Eire. The backstop, as it were.
Boris: Great Scott! What an extraordinary idea!
(In his excitement, Boris knocks over the bust of Pericles on his desk. The bust accompanies him wherever he goes. Pericles was a great thinker and a serial womaniser.)
Jason: It is, Prime Minister. But it would relieve you of a long and tedious negotiation, and Brussels would bring it up at every meeting. They think it's their ace card.
Boris: Have we got a potential buyer? Who on earth would want to buy the Irish border? Well, Jason?
Jason: Fintan O'Flaherty.
Boris: Who?
Jason: Fintan O'Flaherty is probably Eire's richest man. He's very reclusive and they say he lives in a bungalow in a small village in County Down. Where they have a superb internet connection. Which is probably why he lives there. He's made his billions on-line with algorithms, ginties and xants.
Boris: With what?
Jason: Apparently they are the future of investment banking, of hedge funding, of share trading in milliseconds, and so on. Anyway, he's interested in buying the border.
Boris: Why does he want to buy the border?
Jason: I don't know. But my guess would be because he thinks he could make it work. And because he is a real Irish patriot. He has bought the Abbey Theatre, the manuscripts of W. B.Yeats, Oscar Wilde, James Joyce, Seamus O'Casey, Padraic O'Larkin and even Charlie O'Abelard.
Boris: H'm. How much is he ready to pay?
(Again, the number cannot be divulged.)
Boris: Bless my soul! He can have it!
Jason: Shall I conclude the arrangements?
Boris: What?
Jason: Get on immediately with these sales? Prime Minister.
Boris: Of course! Well done! God, I wish you were one of my Ministers.
*****************************************************************************************
IS THE BORIS BREXIT WAR CABINET APPROPRIATE?
FOR BRITAIN? FOR THE BRITISH PEOPLE? FOR THE 21ST CENTURY? AT ALL?
Consider the MP members involved:
Two are Old Etonians
All have been educated at Oxford or Cambridge universities
One is a lawyer, one a solicitor, one a hedge fund manager, one a journalist
Four are millionaires
Tax havens are in use
One charged the taxpayer 49p for milk despite earning over £500 thousand that year
One toured his constituency in a Bentley
Boris himself is hugely disliked in Brussels based upon his period there as a journalist
None has experience of the EU, nor do they have any understanding of how it works
DO THEY SEEM TO YOU EQUIPPED TO REPRESENT THE BRITISH PEOPLE?
IS THIS er....DEMOCRACY?
THE DAY OF THE BREXITS
- a dramatic farce in two acts -
ACT ONE
The scene is set in a European Union conference room.
Present, deep in conversation with frowning countenances, are:
Three EU officials,
Clunker, heavily built with floppy hair,
Husk, short with a dried-up look,
Barny, tall grey-haired, elegant.
And two EU country leaders,
Frog, short and dapper,
Murk, an ill-dressed lady.
[Others in this drama include
May-hem, a scowling lady in high heels,
Chancy, a tall, thin, unsmiling man.
Various British Cabinet Ministers.]
Clunker: She's not going to come again, is she?
Barny: Eet ees vairy possibull.
Frog: Bon Dieu. That will be thirty-five times!
Husk: Then let us lock the door. So.
Murk: I saw the Irish President, yesterday. He has instructed his Border Control not to let her in ever again.
Frog: I wish I could set the gilets jaunes on her and her ridiculous parliament.
Barny: Eet ees ze Cabinet zat are ze stoopid ones.
Clunker: I had no idea Britain's politicians are so incompetent and so pig-ignorant! I am truly tired of this stupid Brexit affair. It's like that Black Hole! Let's have some beer and chips.
(Very loud knocking at the door.)
Husk: That's not her, is it?
Murk: I'll have a look through the key-hole. Donner und blitzen! It is! I thought they had all gone on their two-week Easter holidays.
May-hem: Let me in! Open this door!
Husk: Oh dear.
May-hem: Get on with it! Open this door! (Sotto voce) Damned foreigners, all the same. Never want to do any work! Open up!
Murk: I'll have another look. Her Finance Minister, or Chancellor of the Exchequer as they stupidly call him officially, is with her. His name is Chancy.
Frog: He knows nothing about finance. Never worked in a bank. Not as bad as that Foreign Minister she has. Before he became an MP he tried to sell marmalade to the Japanese!! Quel idiot!
May-hem: Open this door!!! If you don't I'll give the whole of your 37 billion Euros to the DUP!
Barny Oh!
Clunker: I doubt it. She has a National Debt of £2.2 trillion, a bank balance of £112 billion in the red and is borrowing all the time. She'll have to borrow to give us her final payment! To think that only seventy years ago they had an empire that covered a quarter of the world and a quarter of its population. Incredible!
May-hem: Open up!
Clunker: (shouts through keyhole) We are closed! Council Meeting all this week. Come back next Monday
(Sound of high-heels marching angrily down corridor.)
ACT TWO
At 10, Downing Street in London, a Cabinet Meeting is in progress led by May-hem. Ministers lounge in their chairs, looking at their i-phones, drinking coffee and eating chocolate biscuits. Every now and then they look up at May-hem and say 'Hear. Hear.'
May-hem: I've had enough of these foreign scoundrels in Brussels. I tell you truly. So I am proposing we get mean with them.
Ris-Mug: Presumably not on..um..tax havens, Prime Minister?
May-hem: Of course not. As I say, really mean. Like you did with the Russians, Gavin, telling them to shove off.
Gavin: Oh good! Can I send Queen Elizabeth?
May-hem: Of course not! She doesn't like to interfere in politics.
Gavin: I meant the aircraft-carrier, Prime Minister.
Boris: To Brussels?
Gavin: Don't be stupid, Boris. It's too big.
Boris: Ah, that one. The one that cost us £3.5 billion. Have you heard of underwater drones?
Gavin: What?
Boris: They creep up on your aircraft carrier and blow a hole in it.. Underwater.
Gavin: I've just bought a new system of electronics to sop that sort of thing. So there!
May-hem: Who did you buy that new system from?
Gavin: The Chinese. A bargain. Only 88 billion quid.
Chancy: That is 10% of our annual revenue!
May-hem: Did you consult on that Gavin?
Gavin: I think you were in Brussels at the time, Prime Minister.
May-hem: Gavin. Prepare a press release saying you are regrettably resigning your position in my Cabinet for family reasons. Now.
Gavin: I'm happy with that. I'll start a new party. Independent Militarists for Britain. See how you like that!
May-hem: Out! Now pay attention all of you. I want to discuss the backstop.
Ris-Mug: Oh! Is it the cricket season already?
May-hem: I'm going to put the backstop border in the Irish Channel. As nobody wants to agree to having it on land.
Ris-Mug: Jolly good idea, Prime Minister. Does that mean we can Brexit tomorrow? I say, something's dripping down my neck. Good Lord! There's a hole in the ceiling!
May-hem: Sit still! Hands up all those who agree with me on the backstop. Come on! All together now.
Boris: How would it be policed? Our Border Control chaps in boats?
May-hem: Certainly not. It will all be done electronically.
(Furious knocking at the door.)
Voice: Open up! Fire Brigade!
(Ministers fall over themselves as they rush to get out. May-hem ignores them, picks up telephone.)
May-hem: Get me Corb.Is that you, Jeremy? Listen. What? You're what?
Corb: I'm reading. 'Reminiscences of Marx and Engels.' Did you know that Marx's favourite seaside resort was Hastings? Whilst Engels preferred Eastbourne. Fascinating stuff. What do you want, then?
May-hem: Dear Jeremy. I have always been clear that I will deliver on the wishes of the British people, as you know.
Corb: (Sighs) Yes.
May-hem: But Brussels is not being helpful, so I want to get mean with them.
Corb: I wonder why they didn't like Bognor Regis? Um.... What? Oh yes. Good idea, Prime Minister.
May-hem: So I'm looking to you for support.
Corb: Ah. I would have to consult with my members. How do you propose to get mean with those wily foreigners?
May-hem: I propose to build a wall on Dover Cliffs. A wall.
Corb: And then Marx never had an allotment.... WHAT? A wall?
May-hem: Yes. Just like dear Donald has. Such a clever man.
Corb: A wall! To keep out immigrants! Well! I can speak for my members, I believe. They would love a wall! Well done, Prime Minister. That'll make the EU sit up! When's the next train to Brussels?
May-hem: We're flying. In ten minutes. Look out the window and see if my limo is there, while I get my papers together.
Corb: Er..there's a car out there with its bonnet up and a bloke looking inside.
May-hem: Open the window and tell him I'm ready to leave!
Corb: Right. Well! Look at that! There's an old geyser down there singing!
Old Geyser: “Can't get a educashun; can't get no rotten work.
Every politician is a money-making jerk.
Me muvver's in the 'ospital, wiv a bloke on either side.
Can't find a rotten dentist wivart a forty-minute ride.
Drunks lyin' on the pavement; potholes in the road.
Useless rotten government, rotten billions owed.
Thank you, politicians and all your clever staff.
Are you working for the working man?
Don't make me rotten larf!”
THE END
BANKRUPT FOURTEEN MONTHS AFTER BREXIT
Tory Minister Gavin McTruth, and his long-term associate, senior
civil servant Lord Bland, announced today that Britain will go bankrupt
14 months after Brexit.
“The evidence is there for all to see,” said McTruth at a press conference held in
Westminster's Great Hall last night.
“We asked five of our largest accountancy firms, together with a translation agency, to
give the fullest consideration to the possible outcomes of our leaving the EU,” said Lord Bland. “Their findings and predictions are quite horrifying.”
The research showed five different scenarios:
Scenario One: No countries wish to sign trade agreements with the UK, because of uncertainty as to the country's future and the doubtful competence of future governments.
Scenario Two: The Faroe Islands, Papua and Fiji become Britain's major trading partners with a drop in Britain's GDP of 3001%
Scenarios Three, Four and Five: The National Debt rises to £6390 trillion. Half-empty supermarket shelves. London deserted.
On hearing the research results, the Cabinet split five ways.
Three new Prime Ministers were selected by the Tory Party, in succession.
All resigned.
Finally, a decision was made.
A memorial service is to be held at Westminster Abbey
commemorating the demise of Great Britain
on April 1st 2020.
By invitation only, no tax-payers need apply.
Subsequently the date of the memorial service was debated seventeen times in the House of Commons and the motion was finally passed by 347 votes to
__________________________________________________________
After Brexit Wrecksit, we need not worry at all.
Our Leaders have re-assured us:
"We have a world-leading reputation for doing things better."
"We will remain a world-leader."
"We shall lead the world in free trade."
"At times of crisis, the world looks to Britain - not just for our support but for our leadership."
"We can again become the envy of the world."
"Countries will look to us to provide the moral leadership and global leadership."
And for each of us individually:
"When we take the big calls, we'll think not of the powerful, but you.
When we pass new laws, we'll listen not to the mighty, but to you.
When it comes to taxes, we’ll prioritise not the wealthy, but you.
When it comes to opportunity, we won't entrench the advantages of the fortunate few."
- quoted from The Right Honourable Theresa May, Prime Minister. She also said in 2016:
"Britain's prosperity will be more secure if we're in the EU."
______________________________________________________________________________
THE WESTMINSTER PANTOMIME!
Our scene is set on an island off the coast of Europe
Dramatis Personae:
The Leader, known as TM
Oily – her trusted aide
Dup – a blackmailer
Hyphen – a voluble representative of the upper class
Mop – an ambitious old Etonian
Haven – the spokesperson for a mob of City billionaires
Bunion – a tax-paying citizen
Stay – a Good Fairy
ACT ONE (Enter TM)
TM: I shall deliver!
Oily: Of course, my Leader!
Dup: Deliver my next £1 billion, Oi'm hopin'.
TM: No, you Irish dolt! I shall deliver on the wishes of the British people! I shall not waver! No matter what my doubters say! I shall fight them in the trenches, I shall never surrender!
Oily: With respect, TM, I don't think we should go down that verbal route.
TM: Oh. Alright, Oily. What's the news from those foreign johnnies in Brussels? What have you negotiated with them? I have to tell those shirkers in the Cabinet what's happening.
Oily: Good news, oh my Leader. That stinker Barnier has agreed that the Irish border can be in the middle of the Irish sea. Even in winter.
Dup: Begorrah! Are ye mad? In the middle of the bluddy sea?
Oily: Of course it's not in the middle of the sea! It's a notional border.
Dup: And what the hell is a notional border? Is it one with no ocean, is it?
TM: I must drive on, fulfilling the wishes of the British people. I am absolutely clear. And persuade those idiotic members of parliament who disagree with my several deals.
What do we do now, Oily?
Oily: A massive publicity blitz, oh my Leader. To persuade the peasants, er, citizens, that we want to lead the world in free trade, that we are passionate about a Global Britain that works for all, no matter what their standing in life. That you speak for them, and Parliament does not!
TM: Oh, not again! I can't go on with this – look at the bags under my eyes.
Dup: Will ye just give us the next £1 billion and then ye can relax. We'll vote for whatever ye want! Just get on with it. I'm off now to get some champers at the PR bash. (Exits.)
Oily: Now. Er..are you alright, oh my Leader? You look, if I may say so, pale and distraught.... TM: I shall deliver for the British people...I shall deliver...I shall...I shall!
(Enter Stay, the Good Fairy.)
Stay: Conduct her immediately to the Sanatorium. Lose no time.
ACT TWO (Enter Hyphen and Mop.)
Mop: The Government Hospitality Wine Cellar seems rather depleted.
Hyphen: Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by her indisposition. We must make haste to apprise the British people that their day of No-Deal has come!
Mop: Well, I mean, I think, er..it's inevitable no? Casus belli is over, what? There remains....
Hyphen: Don't use that word!
Mop: Eh?
Hyphen: Remain.
Mop: Ah. Of course not. But we have to decide who is the next Leader.
Hyphen: Do you want to be Foreign Secretary again? I'd be more than happy to appoint you to that role.
Mop: Eh? No! And anyway, I'm going to be the next Leader!
Hyphen: Not according to the polls.
Mop: What polls?
Hyphen: The people polls.
Mop: Don't be foolish. It's what Eton wants that counts.
Hyphen: You don't mean David Cameron again?
Mop; Oh really! Of course not. Me, you dimwit!, Me!
Hyphen: Careful with your language, if you please.
(Enter Bunion, a citizen.)
Bunion: Scuse me.
Hyphen: Yes, my good man.
Bunion: I'm looking for er...the House of Come-ons.
Mop: This is it. How can we help?
Bunion: Dunno mate. I'm waiting for someone.
Mop: Really?
Bunion: Yes. A guy called Haven.
Hyphen: Gosh! I think he means the billionaire.
Mop: What on earth does Haven want with the ordinary working-poor like this fellow here? Bunion: Watch it, mate! He can buy you for breakfast.
Hyphen; May one enquire why you and he are meeting?
Bunion: No prob, mate. We're meeting because he and his mates in the City are going to put their dosh behind us ordinary people instead of you politicians. So we can have a say in how our lives are run. They're fed up with you poncy lot who have never done a proper job in your lives and have no idea how the rest of us live. Geddit? And all you do is argue about bloody Brexit. They've had it with you lot of bean-brains. So you'll have no more rich donors! None!
(Hyphen and Mop stagger about clutching each other. (Enter Stay, the Good Fairy.)
Stay: Get them to the sanatorium. Lose no time!
Bunion: From all of us 'ordinary working people' of Great Britain to all of you: Have a Prosperous and Happy 2019!
Meanwhile....
At a Cabinet meeting, in the Sanatorium, the Leader leads her team in a rousing chorus of 'Rule Britannia'.
It goes like this:
Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the waves!
Britons never shall be EU slaves!
Whilst we shall flourish great and free,
Our cities shall with commerce shine,
But nations not so blest as we
Will enter into long decline.
Blest Isle, with superb leaders crowned
That haughty tyrants cannot tame.
No foreign foot shall tread our ground
Where burns our freedom's cherished flame!
Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the waves,
Never, never, never EU slaves!
Immediately after this show of union, the Cabinet members started pushing each other over, kicking, shouting, spitting and making speeches about the interests of the British people......
_____________________________________________________________________________
OXBRIDGE UNIS WILL STAY IN THE EU.
The Universities of Oxford and Cambridge announced yesterday that they will separate from the United Kingdom and remain in the European Union.
A spokesman said: The Council of the Universities of Oxford and Cambridge voted unanimously yesterday to secede from the United Kingdom and remain members of the European Union. We recognise this may cause problems for the UK but we see no alternative. Our past and future contributions to the United Kingdom, should we stay, will be hugely under-rated and wasted in a diminishing economy.
We provide three quarters of UK judges, half of the UK's diplomats, two thirds of her Permanent Secretaries, a quarter of all MPs, nearly half of the House of Lords, and even half of all journalists and BBC executives. (This data can be checked and will be found correct and not an exaggeration.)
This achievement will be wasted on a country much diminished in every sense, with a faltering economy, a huge national debt, food and medicine shortages, rioting in the streets, further rising crime, and a general failure of an incompetent government to cope with the problems of the people they claim to represent.
We do not wish to waste our achievements and our future achievements in such an environment. We have therefore decided to take our talents and offer them to a welcoming Europe, rather than remain in the UK.”
The President of Christ Church College today said:
"We entirely support this decision. Our College has produced over the years 14 Prime Ministers and 4 foreign Prime Ministers, 17 Archbishops, 6 Olympic Gold medallists and famous composers, musicians, poets and businessmen too numerous to mention. Why should we waste our future on a discredited island country?"
The Prime Minister's office declined to comment. The House of Commons is currently in recess. It is understood that the Chief Speech Writer is on vacation in Monte Carlo
______________________________________________________________________________
THIS IS NOT FUNNY
According to an official Government Briefing Summary, this is the situation concerning each aspect of Brexit.
The Brexit Process 'We do not know what will happen.'
Constitutional Issues 'We do not know....we do not know the extent.
Devolution 'We do not yet know.'
Future Trade Relations 'The biggest unknown is still that we do not know.'
The Irish Border Issue 'One of the greatest sources of Brexit unknowns.'
Free Movement of People 'There is still uncertainty.'
The Exit Bill and After 'We don't know what the UK will participate in nor how much it will cost.'
Data Protection and Data Sharing 'We do not know on what basis.'
Food and Farming 'The biggest unknown.'
Fisheries 'There are disagreements.'
Defence 'Still to be negotiated.'
The above quotes are all true and taken directly from the Briefing.
______________________________________________________________________________
LATE BREAKING NEWS!
FOOD RIOTS EXPECTED
The Minister for Food, Lord Rumble of Belch, has announced the Government Plan for combatting food riots when Britain exits the EU. He said at a Press Conference today:
“The Government has always been clear that feeding the British people is its priority. To this end, we are calling upon Her Majesty's Armed Forces to stand ready to combat food riots. It is expected that there will be delays in managing food imports, and that certain elements of the public may respond with violence. This will be dealt with swiftly and firmly. We can say to the British people that everything is being done by your government is takng all steps ensure that food reaches every family's table.”
Brigadier Victor Thump has been given the task of overseeing the military operations. He said: “We shall not tolerate any violence on British streets. We are not a third world country! My troops will react immediately to the slightest hint of violence in the streets. People should remain calm and await their rations.”
The Minister for Stock-piling, Max Hoard, said steps have been taken to stock-pile adequate food supplies to feed the nation. “Not one person in Britain, not one of our citizens will go hungry, longer than three days. Your government will ensure that the British people - man, woman and child - shall not be without food, so long as they have their ration books.”
The Assistant Minister for Stockpiling (Medicins), Yasmin Asprinovski, also advised that troops are standing by ready to combat any violence in hospital wards should patients start fighting over prescriptions, delayed operations or bed linen laundry
______________________________________________________________________________
EXCLUSIVE!
GOVERNMENT TO INTRODUCE RATION BOOKS!
Will Remayne has had sight of secret papers and e-mails,
showing the government's intention to introduce - shortly before Brexit - a series of Ration Books. These will be for three main items - food, petrol and medecines. It is suggested in these secret papers that it may be necessary to introduce further Ration Books covering computer usage and television viewing. We cannot reveal further information as we have been closed down and accused of breaking the Official Brexit Secrets Act.
But, watch this space!
______________________________________________________________________________
GOVERNMENT COMMUNIQUE ON STOCKPILING FOR BREXIT
“Enjoying the Holiday?”
Make the most of it before Brexit Wrecks it.
“Having a Relaxing Time?”
Enjoy it before Brexit Breaks it.
Start stockpiling now! Crisps, beer, Mars bars, processed peas, curry. If in doubt over what to stock up on, go to cabinetadvice,com and then tap aidoutsidelondon.cor.
Sick? In need of medication? Everything can be bought on line. So, hopefully, postal deliveries will continue after Brexit....
Fill your spare bedroom or garage with food. Supermarkets cannot be relied upon.
Don't think you can get away from it all. Ports and airports will be grid-locked. With continuing hot weather, water supplies will dry up – stock up on bottled water.
Schools will be closed so that they can be used to stockpile food for MPs, civil servants, the government, the Lords and other people essential to the well-being of our great nation.
Keep Calm and Carry on. The government is fulfilling the will of the British people.... Enjoy.
______________________________________________________________________________
BRITISH CABINET COMMUNICATION TO GERMAN EU MINISTER
Leeber Fritz,
Hier ist der Englischer Deutsche dokument vom Cheqeurs. Es ist gut, nein? Worten von Goethe und Wagner! Wir haben long worken auf dieser so wir hoffen das sie like it.
Haben ein gutes tag,
Mit besten vischen,
Der Britischer Cabinet.
P.S.
Das worte 'chequers' in Deutsche ist 'Damespiel' - und das ist 'ladygame' in englisch. Sehr Komich, ja!
_____________________________________________________________________________
FOLLOWING THE SUCCESS OF THE ROYAL WEDDING SERMON.
HERE'S ANOTHER ONE:
From The Archbishop of Hackney Wick.
Known for his deeply-felt views on the human condition,
His Grace has kindly allowed us access to a copy of his next sermon.
"Brethren, I speak to you today of those twin peaks of depravity in our land - the Sodom and Gomorrah of our country - Westminster and the City. Woe unto them! For they know - too well - what they do!
Brethren, know ye the Lord hates two things above all? Yes! And I will tell you
what they are. Haughty eyes and a lying tongue (Proverbs 6, 16-19). Where do
we see these now? In our own Sodom and Gomorrah - in Westminster and in
the City. They are unrighteous!
They take from the people to aggrandise themselves, to build themselves
palaces, new kitchens and bathrooms, and buy alcoholic champagne and yachts and Rolexes.
And they care not who shall speak against them. Their regulators do not
regulate them. They are above the law of the land! But, brethren, they are not
above the law of the Lord whose vengeance is a terrible thing to behold. And he is coming for them with fire and brimstone! And the Freedom of Information Act, and legal suits, and the wrath of the people - horribly enfeebled though they are.
He will avenge himself upon your enemies and take away their tin! (Isaiah 1,
24). And we shall rejoice!
In Sodom and then in Gomorrah the Lord asked if there were 50 righteous men
(Genesis 18:23-26). There were not. Look towards Westminster, brethren, and towards the City. Do you see 50 righteous men? Even 10? No you do not!
So it is in our Sodom and in our Gomorrah, where they gamble and steal as
though there was no tomorrah.
I give them a global warning! Down shall rain snakes and fire and
brimstone and a horrible tempest on them (Psalm 11:6). Amen.
(Note to parish clerk: I know the correct ancient spelling of the word 'Sodom',
but I have seen a different spelling in certain newspapers, viz 'Sod 'em.' Is this a
modern variant?
______________________________________________________________________________
THE BLOCKHEADS OF BREXIT ISLAND
Award-winning inside reporter Will Remayne will report weekly from Westminster and elsewhere Bringing Inside stories about Brexit.
See Above.....also.....
MPs need to consider this:
Leaving the EU will take 21 months and cost £56 billion.
During which time UK will have no say whatsoever in EU affairs.
During which time UK must find £250 trillion of trade to replace trade
with the EU.
With, if the War Cabinet is aware of these, The Association of South-East Asian Nations, the Trans-Pacific Partnership, The Regional Comprehensive Economic Partnership, and hopefully the opportunity to make trade agreements with Canada, Australia, India, China, Japan and so on.
Whilst bankers in the City should be in touch with the Asian Infra-Structure Investment Bank (57 member nations) and The new Development Bank, and the China -Africa Investment Forum.
(Will Remayne is proud to provide these guide lines, in case the taxpayer-paid consultants hired by the Cabinet are struggling with their brief.)
After Brexit, British consumers must pay around 20% more for imports from Europe.
Already UK has gone from fastest-growing country in G7 to slowest.
The world is not flying in to Heathrow to set up new deals with us....
Our inside reporter Will Remayne:
"I went to the dentist the other day and asked the Spanish dentist whether she was staying after Brexit. She had no idea whether she will be able to, she said. And added that there will be no dentists left in our town if all EU nationals are kicked out."
"I hear that Theresa has spent at least £700,000 of tax-payers' money on consultants, hoping for good advice on Brexit, nobody in her War Cabinet having a clue what to do. Plus, I just heard, another £1.9 million."
"Saw two more dentists - one Italian and one Roumanian. Had to go to the eye-clinic - receptionist was English. The health staff were all Europeans. The government needs to get this right and allow such people to stay - otherwise no NHS......nothing but pain and tooth-ache."
The Government Promises:
"When it comes to taxes we'll prioritise, not the wealthy, but you.
When we pass new laws, we'll listen not to the mighty but to you.
When we take the big calls, we'll think not of the powerful but of you." (uh?)
And.....
"We have a world-leading reputation based on doing things better
We are committed to world-leading trade growth
We shall make the world a safer place
We want to lead the world in free trade
We intend to remain a world-leader
Consumers can have confidence in the UK's economic powerhouse
I intend us to remain world-leading in the future
We will forge a bold new positive role in the world
A country that is confident of its place in the world and is proud to stand up for its values."
The Reality:
400,000 children living in poverty
homelessness up 34%
4 million suffering people awaiting operations
40,000 patients on trolleys
80,000 vacancies in the NHS
Tory government biggest borrowers over last 70 years
median earnings growth lowest for ten years
police force down 19,000 - crime up
house building lowest since 1920s
the City pays only £20 million in tax
Of the top 40 political donors, 39 donated to the Tory Party
(not too surprising considering the totally ineffectual opposition)
______________________________________________________________________________
BRITAIN BANKRUPT AFTER BREXIT. NEW FINDINGS.
Senior Tory Minister, Gavin Fleece-Truth, and his long-term associate, senior Civil Servant Lord Honestly, announced today that Britain will go bankrupt 14 months after Brexit.
“The evidence is there for all to see,” said Fleece-Truth at a press conference held in Westminster's Great Hall last night.
“We asked five of our largest accountancy firms, together with a translation agency, to give the fullest consideration to the possible outcomes of our leaving the EU,” said Lord Honestly. “Their findings and predictions are quite disturbing.”
The research showed five different scenarios:
Scenario One: No countries wish to sign trade agreements with the UK, because of uncertainty as to the country's future and the doubtful competence of future governments.
Scenario Two: The Solomon Islands and the Canary Isles become Britain's major trading partners with a drop in Britain's GDP of 3000%
Scenarios Three, Four and Five: The National Debt rises to £6390 trillion. Oligarchs leave for France. Housing in central London is 100% empty. Unemployment rises to 65.7%
On hearing the research results, the Cabinet split eleven ways. Three new Prime Ministers were selected by the Tory Party, in succession, none lasting more than one month.
Finally, a decision was made.
A Memorial Service for the Demise of Great Britain will be held at Westminster Abbey
on April 1st, 2019.
Attendance by Invitation Only. No Tax-payers Need Apply.
Brexit Blues All Around - And then I got a call from Boris.
From a few months ago...My contacts in Whitehall are getting bored as they stand around waiting for the word on her new strategy for Brexit from the PM. Then things warmed up yesterday.
As I'm the government's top salesman, it was no surprise when Boris called me to his office with a sales idea. He was shaking his blond mop in frustration.
"Jason," he said. "I want to get things going. Shake things up a bit. Alea jacta est if you see what I mean."
"Oh, absolutely," I responded.
"What I want to do is to get the bloody Euro berks into a good mood, see."
"Quite."
"Soften 'em up a bit so the PM and I can negotiate from strength. I want our negotiations to be a prime example of veni, vedi, vinci."
"Of course," I said.
"What have we got that you could sell to them?"
"Er.."
"Something that really interests them that we can offer them at a price they can't refuse. Come on, now. What have we got?"
He got up out of his chair and straightened his tie.
"I'm off to see the PM so you start thinking up something good while I'm gone. She's giving me ten minutes so I'll soon be back."
I sat there thinking, looking out of the window at the pigeons. When Boris came back in to his office I had a few suggestions ready. He's shaking his blond mop again, looking rather as though he'd just had a bad interview with the Head Mistress.
"Well? Well?" he bellowed.
"I have a list for your consideration, Minister."
"Ah! Well done. Knew I could rely on you. Well, what?"
"I think the EU is always interested in expanding its frontiers. So we should offer them some real estate."
"Good! Smart fellow. Like what?"
"The Isle of Man?"
"H'm. Bit small. Rather an odd place, too. What else?"
"The Channel Islands"
"Yes! Yes! Brilliant, Jason. Simply brilliant! Summum bonum! I shall tell the PM at once!"
And off he went. And so did I. I reckon I can get a big bonus for this idea if it helps Brexit to move along a bit....
**** extracted from "Theresa, Boris and Me, Jason. The Government's Top Salesman tells All" by John Problem****
______________________________________________________________________________
WORDSWORTH'S LONG LOST BROTHER?
John Problem is proud to present the findings of Dr. Oswald Hieronym concerning the mystery of William Wordsworth's long lost brother.
“There is much evidence for the long-lost brother of Wordsworth to be a certain Benjamin Coalridge Parlous. The change of name is believed to be due to the brother's wish to succeed in his own right as an academic and not benefit from the fame of his older brother, William.
Parlous was educated at Oxford, Edinburgh and Princeton where he graduated summa cum laude in all three, in the study of Hermeneutics. He then pursued his own private studies into the intersections of critical theory and cultural production, and the question of negativity in contemporary theory.
After being granted an Arts Council England award, Professor Parlous settled down in the Peak District to write exhaustively on temporality, forms of value and anthropology of the subject, and the politics of the historical novel before Erasmus. Later appointed Sweetmeats of London Emeritus Professor of English Dialectics at Bakewell University, he specialised further in the field of poetry and the environment. (A notable similarity to his brother's pre-occupations.)
Further evidence in favour of his being Wordsworth's brother exists. Professor Parlous invented the field of study of Ecocriticism. Ecocriticism studies the representations of nature in literature and poetry and is based on the assumption we live in a more-than-human world. A world peopled with daffodils and milky stars. Professor Parlous eventually retired with his wife Dotty and their children Samuel, George, Bysshe and Jane to Hackney.
______________________________________________________________________________
THIS IS SERIOUS.
DO NOT READ THIS IF ECONOMICS DEPRESSES YOU.
But it will all be better after Brexit, right?
Currently, Britain's National Debt is £2.13 trillion
Britain's current account - in the red £114 billion
Cost of fixing pot-holes £30 billion
Britain has the most expensive energy, water, trains, in the EU.
Her military wouldn't even fill the seats in Wembley Stadium
£100 billion is laundered through the City annually. Does the taxpayer get a cut?
STOP! WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!
We have the British Sovereignty Dream to Comfort us!
______________________________________________________________________________
BRITAIN IN 2022
Hedge Fund offers to buy NHS.
Argentina offers to buy Wales
EU invites UK to re-join.
EU says re-joining fee will be £3million billion
Total number of Lords reaches 7,850.
Air privatised and rationed.
Trident sinks.
London County Council has granted permission for the following retail facilities to be built
in pursuance of the need to get Britain workers back into London’s streets:
The ‘Dodge & Duck’ public house
The de Pfeffel Waffle Shop – ‘world-beating bites.’
Snak’s Snax - ‘£10 off every bite.’
The Floppy Hair Men’s Barbers
Gavin’s Charity Shop – ‘helping poor schools’
The Maskery – ‘masks for all with instructions’
Dominion’s Scruffy Clothing Department Store
The U-Turn Driving School – with best skid pan
The Friends of the Tory Party Foundation Head Office.
*******************************
--
The Westminster Summer Panto.
Characters:
Chairman Bo
Deputy Chairman Rub
Health Minister Handcod
Chief Aide Dominion Coming
PR Person Isaiah Livido.
The Scene is set in the Village of Westminster.Where currently there is a Competition for Supreme Waffler Award.
Livido: Well, Mr. Chairman, I have a new slogan for your consideration.
Bo: Have you seen it Dom?
Dom: Oh yes. Not bad.
Bo: Rub?
Rub: Er, no. Been busy.
Bo: Busy? Waddya mean busy? Eh? What busy?
Rub: Well, er....
Bo: Handcod? What have you been doing?
Hc: I've been on telly telling the citizens what to do in hospital, haven't I?
Bo: Oh, ah, yes. Um, well done. So, Isaac, speak.
Livido: Isaiah, actually.
Bo: Isaiah? That's a bloody odd slogan!
Livido: No, no, Mr. Chairman. I meant Isaiah is my name, not Isaac.
Bo: Let's hear the slogan for Heaven's sake!
Livido: Stay Alert! Stay Awake! Vote for me!
Bo: (Scratches head.) Not bad. Not bad at all. Lacks the elegance of Floreat Eton, but nihil nostrum totalitis eh? One can't have everything, what? What do you all think? You first Rub.
Rub: Absolutely just right, Mr. Chairman.
Hc: Perfect, Mr. Chairman.
Dom: H'm. I'm not sure. The citizens may think you're trying to get re-elected as Chairman. They might not have the intelligence to realise that you want their votes to get you elected as Supreme Waffler. They get confused easily. As we know! Ha ha!
Rub: Ha ha!
HC: Ha ha!
Livido: Oh yes, otherwise I'd be unemployed! Ha ha!
Bo: Well. I like it. It goes straight to the point. Get me a slot on telly. What else?
Livido: Vans with side panels touring the country, TV ads. showing you as a man of the people -
Bo: Ah, that's the important bit. I must appear as a man of the people. How do you propose I do that? And be quick about it, if you please. I'm having my new love to dinner at Chequers.
Livido: The best way to appear as a man of the people, Mr. Chairman, is to appear on the citizens' favourite TV shows.
Bo: Which are?
Livido: Strictly Come Dancing, The Great British Bake-off, Love Island, and so on. Appearing on such shows would have a stunning impact. Of course, you mustn't win anything. That would go right against the 'Supreme Waffler' ethos.
Bo: Brilliant! How would you like to be Sir Isaac?
Livido: Isaiah, actually.
Bo: (Scratching head.) Fix it, Dom.
Dom: I don't do honours. And I'm not feeling too good.
Bo: Flee! Sic transit Supreme Waffler! Flee! Flee!
*******************************
BOJO AND THE MONARCHY
Ah, come in, Dom.
Morning Bojo! How’s it going, now you’re the big chief?
Um. I think we’ll have to cut out all that familiarity bearing in mind that I’m President. It’s time we got a little more serious. Now I’m President. In future, you may call me ‘Mr. President’.
Jeez.
Did you say something?
Er no. Mr. President. Sir.
Now. I want you to listen carefully and give me your considered opinion.
Of course, Bo- Mr. President. Of course. As always. Mr. President.
Good. I’ve been thinking about the Monarchy.
Uh huh.
Not at all democratic, is it?
Er no, Mr. President.
And my promise to the people was democracy.
Was it?
Of course it was. Now. The Monarchy. Did you know we’ve had 44 monarchs and of them 26 were foreigners.
No, I didn’t. Mr. President.
Half of them couldn’t speak English, some of them were barmy and for most of them the only work they ever did was hand out Dukedoms to their bastards. That Charles II had eleven bastards. Eleven! Why, I’ve only had - as I was saying. The Monarchy is not democratic and what has it ever done for the people, eh?
Mmm. As far as I’m aware, Mr. President. Nothing.
Right. Now. Her Majesty is not going to last much longer is she? She’s 93. And when she pops it, Prince Charles becomes King Charles. And he’s 71 already. Must our great nation be ruled by a lot of geriatrics? It’s quite ridiculous in this modern world.
True enough, Mr. President. But. We can get rid of the Civil Service, the Judiciary, the Foreign Office. We can beat Parliament into a flan. But the Monarchy? I dunno.
Oh, don’t be so wet, Dom! Of course we can! We can abolish it!
Abolish it? Abolish the Monarchy?
Alright. Not exactly abolish it. Might lose a lot of votes up north. What I mean is we must publish a ‘Non-Sequitur Monarchum’ Bill. Do you know what that means?
Not exactly, Mr. President.
If you stopped reading all your artificial intelligence stuff and learnt a little Latin, you might. It would be a Bill to abolish – not the Monarchy itself – but the handing down of the crown to the next in line in the royal family! There! What do you think about that? Instead of the crown passing to Charlie-boy, it would be given to somebody else!
Who?
Me! Who else, you idiot! Nobody else is qualified to do it, or has the necessary democratic support. See! It has to be me!
Oh! Right. H’m. Let me just calculate what your majority might be in the House for such a Bill. Mmm, can’t rely upon him, that guy is a total jerk, this one’s useless, mmm, h’m. OK. I think you’re good for a majority of 27. Mr. President.
That is excellent news. I knew I could rely upon you. Which would you rather be? A ‘Sir’ or a ‘Lord’?
I’m happy being a clever peasant in scruffy clothes.
I knew it! Well, if that’s what makes you happy… But, when I’m King Boris, I shall expect a higher quality of dress from you.
Of course, Your Majesty.
*******************************
PRIME MINISTER APPOINTS HIMSELF PRESIDENT OF UK.
Government and Parliament Dismissed.
At a dramatic press conference today, the self-appointed President of the UK had this to say about his new role:
“After all the difficulties of the negotiations with the EU, the utter confusion in the government, particularly the Cabinet, and with further separate factions setting up within the Conservative Party, it seemed to me that there was only one solution to our great nation's current problems. That I should become President and fulfil the wishes of hard-working British families concerning the EU, about which I have always been clear.
A President is able to get things done. Whereas a Cabinet of 26 differing opinions – each greedily concerned with their own position – is a waste of time. Courage, determination, tenacity and oomph will show Brussels that we are not to be bullied, whereas a Cabinet can only weaken our negotiating position.
At times of crisis, the world looks to Britain for moral leadership, military leadership and global leadership. We have a world-leading reputation for doing things better and I want us to keep this and remain the envy of the world.
I am happy to say that I have already received congratulatory telephone calls from President Trump, President Macron, President Maduro, President Putin, and President Xi JinPeng amongst many others.
In addition to getting the EU leaders to focus, I intend to be bold about curing the problems of our society and building upon the legacy of the Conservative Party's egalitarian past, despite the apparently poor understanding of economics that currently exists at Westminster.
I have appointed two Vice-Presidents. One is my always competent friend Dominion Coming and the other is John Problem, one of whose duties will be to write my biography.
After discussing the matter with them, it has been decided to extend my term of office to twelve years. This will allow sufficient time to get our great country back on track and resume our destiny as a world-leading global presence.
I know that, if we lift our eyes to the other side, we have it in our power to come through these difficult times stronger, now that I am President.
I must leave you now. War has broken out on the Scottish Border.”
*******************************
Boris and my pal Jason.
My pal Jason works for the government, selling any country assets that will raise money for the government, since it's horrendously in debt. He worked for Theresa, even though apparently she didn't like him, but he successfully raised millions so she put up with him.
When Boris got to be Prime Minister, Jason wondered if he'd still be in his job. Or if he'd be invited to join the anti-Brussels team. Anyway, yesterday Boris called him to Number Ten. This is the one-on-one conversation they had in the Prime Minister's office.
Boris: Sit. Coffee is coming.
Jason: Thank you, Prime Minister.
Boris: I think you're the man for the job I have in mind.
Jason: Um...Good.
Boris: I've just been looking at the country's accounts. It's no wonder they're never discussed. They're appalling! I had no idea! Do you know how bad the situation is? Have you seen the numbers? (He is scratching his head and moving it from side to side.)
Jason: Yes, Prime Minister, I have. A debt of £2.2 trillion, a bank account in the red to the tune of £112 billion and assorted debts where payment is being delayed.
Boris: Exactly! Appalling! It's worse than the last days of the Roman Empire!
Exeunt omnes, what? However. Let's move on. I presume you read my press releases?
Jason: Of course, Prime Minister. Every one.
Boris: Therefore you know that I've said I will improve everything. The North, the Police, state schools, the NHS, social care, whatever. So you can see my problem, no? Do you?
Jason: Yes, Prime Minister. Funds.
Boris: Spot on, Jason! Funds! Where are they going to come from? And I hear the Arab johnnies are worrying about their loans to us and could we eventually repay them! Damned upstarts! And to think some of them were at Eton with me! Ugh! Ah well, regardless, I need funds, Jason. I need funds. We must sell something! Something big! Or many something bigs! Do you have any ideas for me?
Jason: Yes, I do, Prime Minister.
Boris: Really? You do? That's a damn sight faster reaction than I get from my Ministers, I can tell you. What exactly do you have in mind, Jason? By Jupiter, I hope you've got something good for me.
Jason: Well, sir, I started from the premise that you would probably like to sell stuff that is going to be a real problem in the near future. And which could bring in good money and you would welcome being shot of.
Boris: Go on! Go on!
Jason: The Channel Ports.
Boris: Explain.
Jason: There's a lot whinging going on about the future delays at the Channel Ports with, for example, medicines being unavailable, food rotting, etc. Sell the ports off and the responsibility becomes somebody else's and not yours.
Boris: Interesting. But to whom would we sell the Channel Ports?
Jason: We obviously need someone who understands that in our interest he's got to make the ports work. No delays. So we need a tough operator. I've been in touch with Gianni Garambachi, a Sicilian businessman. He is interested and sees ways of increasing the revenues from the Ports. I have told him delays must be minimised. Is not a problem, he said.
Boris: What will he pay?
(Jason's reply cannot be shown here in view of the confidentiality of the negotiation.)
Boris: Excellent! Well done! Anything else, Jason?
Jason: Well, yes, sir. This is a big one and may be politically dangerous.
Boris: Go on! Go on!
Jason: You sell the border between Northern Ireland and Eire. The backstop, as it were.
Boris: Great Scott! What an extraordinary idea!
(In his excitement, Boris knocks over the bust of Pericles on his desk. The bust accompanies him wherever he goes. Pericles was a great thinker and a serial womaniser.)
Jason: It is, Prime Minister. But it would relieve you of a long and tedious negotiation, and Brussels would bring it up at every meeting. They think it's their ace card.
Boris: Have we got a potential buyer? Who on earth would want to buy the Irish border? Well, Jason?
Jason: Fintan O'Flaherty.
Boris: Who?
Jason: Fintan O'Flaherty is probably Eire's richest man. He's very reclusive and they say he lives in a bungalow in a small village in County Down. Where they have a superb internet connection. Which is probably why he lives there. He's made his billions on-line with algorithms, ginties and xants.
Boris: With what?
Jason: Apparently they are the future of investment banking, of hedge funding, of share trading in milliseconds, and so on. Anyway, he's interested in buying the border.
Boris: Why does he want to buy the border?
Jason: I don't know. But my guess would be because he thinks he could make it work. And because he is a real Irish patriot. He has bought the Abbey Theatre, the manuscripts of W. B.Yeats, Oscar Wilde, James Joyce, Seamus O'Casey, Padraic O'Larkin and even Charlie O'Abelard.
Boris: H'm. How much is he ready to pay?
(Again, the number cannot be divulged.)
Boris: Bless my soul! He can have it!
Jason: Shall I conclude the arrangements?
Boris: What?
Jason: Get on immediately with these sales? Prime Minister.
Boris: Of course! Well done! God, I wish you were one of my Ministers.
*****************************************************************************************
IS THE BORIS BREXIT WAR CABINET APPROPRIATE?
FOR BRITAIN? FOR THE BRITISH PEOPLE? FOR THE 21ST CENTURY? AT ALL?
Consider the MP members involved:
Two are Old Etonians
All have been educated at Oxford or Cambridge universities
One is a lawyer, one a solicitor, one a hedge fund manager, one a journalist
Four are millionaires
Tax havens are in use
One charged the taxpayer 49p for milk despite earning over £500 thousand that year
One toured his constituency in a Bentley
Boris himself is hugely disliked in Brussels based upon his period there as a journalist
None has experience of the EU, nor do they have any understanding of how it works
DO THEY SEEM TO YOU EQUIPPED TO REPRESENT THE BRITISH PEOPLE?
IS THIS er....DEMOCRACY?
THE DAY OF THE BREXITS
- a dramatic farce in two acts -
ACT ONE
The scene is set in a European Union conference room.
Present, deep in conversation with frowning countenances, are:
Three EU officials,
Clunker, heavily built with floppy hair,
Husk, short with a dried-up look,
Barny, tall grey-haired, elegant.
And two EU country leaders,
Frog, short and dapper,
Murk, an ill-dressed lady.
[Others in this drama include
May-hem, a scowling lady in high heels,
Chancy, a tall, thin, unsmiling man.
Various British Cabinet Ministers.]
Clunker: She's not going to come again, is she?
Barny: Eet ees vairy possibull.
Frog: Bon Dieu. That will be thirty-five times!
Husk: Then let us lock the door. So.
Murk: I saw the Irish President, yesterday. He has instructed his Border Control not to let her in ever again.
Frog: I wish I could set the gilets jaunes on her and her ridiculous parliament.
Barny: Eet ees ze Cabinet zat are ze stoopid ones.
Clunker: I had no idea Britain's politicians are so incompetent and so pig-ignorant! I am truly tired of this stupid Brexit affair. It's like that Black Hole! Let's have some beer and chips.
(Very loud knocking at the door.)
Husk: That's not her, is it?
Murk: I'll have a look through the key-hole. Donner und blitzen! It is! I thought they had all gone on their two-week Easter holidays.
May-hem: Let me in! Open this door!
Husk: Oh dear.
May-hem: Get on with it! Open this door! (Sotto voce) Damned foreigners, all the same. Never want to do any work! Open up!
Murk: I'll have another look. Her Finance Minister, or Chancellor of the Exchequer as they stupidly call him officially, is with her. His name is Chancy.
Frog: He knows nothing about finance. Never worked in a bank. Not as bad as that Foreign Minister she has. Before he became an MP he tried to sell marmalade to the Japanese!! Quel idiot!
May-hem: Open this door!!! If you don't I'll give the whole of your 37 billion Euros to the DUP!
Barny Oh!
Clunker: I doubt it. She has a National Debt of £2.2 trillion, a bank balance of £112 billion in the red and is borrowing all the time. She'll have to borrow to give us her final payment! To think that only seventy years ago they had an empire that covered a quarter of the world and a quarter of its population. Incredible!
May-hem: Open up!
Clunker: (shouts through keyhole) We are closed! Council Meeting all this week. Come back next Monday
(Sound of high-heels marching angrily down corridor.)
ACT TWO
At 10, Downing Street in London, a Cabinet Meeting is in progress led by May-hem. Ministers lounge in their chairs, looking at their i-phones, drinking coffee and eating chocolate biscuits. Every now and then they look up at May-hem and say 'Hear. Hear.'
May-hem: I've had enough of these foreign scoundrels in Brussels. I tell you truly. So I am proposing we get mean with them.
Ris-Mug: Presumably not on..um..tax havens, Prime Minister?
May-hem: Of course not. As I say, really mean. Like you did with the Russians, Gavin, telling them to shove off.
Gavin: Oh good! Can I send Queen Elizabeth?
May-hem: Of course not! She doesn't like to interfere in politics.
Gavin: I meant the aircraft-carrier, Prime Minister.
Boris: To Brussels?
Gavin: Don't be stupid, Boris. It's too big.
Boris: Ah, that one. The one that cost us £3.5 billion. Have you heard of underwater drones?
Gavin: What?
Boris: They creep up on your aircraft carrier and blow a hole in it.. Underwater.
Gavin: I've just bought a new system of electronics to sop that sort of thing. So there!
May-hem: Who did you buy that new system from?
Gavin: The Chinese. A bargain. Only 88 billion quid.
Chancy: That is 10% of our annual revenue!
May-hem: Did you consult on that Gavin?
Gavin: I think you were in Brussels at the time, Prime Minister.
May-hem: Gavin. Prepare a press release saying you are regrettably resigning your position in my Cabinet for family reasons. Now.
Gavin: I'm happy with that. I'll start a new party. Independent Militarists for Britain. See how you like that!
May-hem: Out! Now pay attention all of you. I want to discuss the backstop.
Ris-Mug: Oh! Is it the cricket season already?
May-hem: I'm going to put the backstop border in the Irish Channel. As nobody wants to agree to having it on land.
Ris-Mug: Jolly good idea, Prime Minister. Does that mean we can Brexit tomorrow? I say, something's dripping down my neck. Good Lord! There's a hole in the ceiling!
May-hem: Sit still! Hands up all those who agree with me on the backstop. Come on! All together now.
Boris: How would it be policed? Our Border Control chaps in boats?
May-hem: Certainly not. It will all be done electronically.
(Furious knocking at the door.)
Voice: Open up! Fire Brigade!
(Ministers fall over themselves as they rush to get out. May-hem ignores them, picks up telephone.)
May-hem: Get me Corb.Is that you, Jeremy? Listen. What? You're what?
Corb: I'm reading. 'Reminiscences of Marx and Engels.' Did you know that Marx's favourite seaside resort was Hastings? Whilst Engels preferred Eastbourne. Fascinating stuff. What do you want, then?
May-hem: Dear Jeremy. I have always been clear that I will deliver on the wishes of the British people, as you know.
Corb: (Sighs) Yes.
May-hem: But Brussels is not being helpful, so I want to get mean with them.
Corb: I wonder why they didn't like Bognor Regis? Um.... What? Oh yes. Good idea, Prime Minister.
May-hem: So I'm looking to you for support.
Corb: Ah. I would have to consult with my members. How do you propose to get mean with those wily foreigners?
May-hem: I propose to build a wall on Dover Cliffs. A wall.
Corb: And then Marx never had an allotment.... WHAT? A wall?
May-hem: Yes. Just like dear Donald has. Such a clever man.
Corb: A wall! To keep out immigrants! Well! I can speak for my members, I believe. They would love a wall! Well done, Prime Minister. That'll make the EU sit up! When's the next train to Brussels?
May-hem: We're flying. In ten minutes. Look out the window and see if my limo is there, while I get my papers together.
Corb: Er..there's a car out there with its bonnet up and a bloke looking inside.
May-hem: Open the window and tell him I'm ready to leave!
Corb: Right. Well! Look at that! There's an old geyser down there singing!
Old Geyser: “Can't get a educashun; can't get no rotten work.
Every politician is a money-making jerk.
Me muvver's in the 'ospital, wiv a bloke on either side.
Can't find a rotten dentist wivart a forty-minute ride.
Drunks lyin' on the pavement; potholes in the road.
Useless rotten government, rotten billions owed.
Thank you, politicians and all your clever staff.
Are you working for the working man?
Don't make me rotten larf!”
THE END
BANKRUPT FOURTEEN MONTHS AFTER BREXIT
Tory Minister Gavin McTruth, and his long-term associate, senior
civil servant Lord Bland, announced today that Britain will go bankrupt
14 months after Brexit.
“The evidence is there for all to see,” said McTruth at a press conference held in
Westminster's Great Hall last night.
“We asked five of our largest accountancy firms, together with a translation agency, to
give the fullest consideration to the possible outcomes of our leaving the EU,” said Lord Bland. “Their findings and predictions are quite horrifying.”
The research showed five different scenarios:
Scenario One: No countries wish to sign trade agreements with the UK, because of uncertainty as to the country's future and the doubtful competence of future governments.
Scenario Two: The Faroe Islands, Papua and Fiji become Britain's major trading partners with a drop in Britain's GDP of 3001%
Scenarios Three, Four and Five: The National Debt rises to £6390 trillion. Half-empty supermarket shelves. London deserted.
On hearing the research results, the Cabinet split five ways.
Three new Prime Ministers were selected by the Tory Party, in succession.
All resigned.
Finally, a decision was made.
A memorial service is to be held at Westminster Abbey
commemorating the demise of Great Britain
on April 1st 2020.
By invitation only, no tax-payers need apply.
Subsequently the date of the memorial service was debated seventeen times in the House of Commons and the motion was finally passed by 347 votes to
__________________________________________________________
After Brexit Wrecksit, we need not worry at all.
Our Leaders have re-assured us:
"We have a world-leading reputation for doing things better."
"We will remain a world-leader."
"We shall lead the world in free trade."
"At times of crisis, the world looks to Britain - not just for our support but for our leadership."
"We can again become the envy of the world."
"Countries will look to us to provide the moral leadership and global leadership."
And for each of us individually:
"When we take the big calls, we'll think not of the powerful, but you.
When we pass new laws, we'll listen not to the mighty, but to you.
When it comes to taxes, we’ll prioritise not the wealthy, but you.
When it comes to opportunity, we won't entrench the advantages of the fortunate few."
- quoted from The Right Honourable Theresa May, Prime Minister. She also said in 2016:
"Britain's prosperity will be more secure if we're in the EU."
______________________________________________________________________________
THE WESTMINSTER PANTOMIME!
Our scene is set on an island off the coast of Europe
Dramatis Personae:
The Leader, known as TM
Oily – her trusted aide
Dup – a blackmailer
Hyphen – a voluble representative of the upper class
Mop – an ambitious old Etonian
Haven – the spokesperson for a mob of City billionaires
Bunion – a tax-paying citizen
Stay – a Good Fairy
ACT ONE (Enter TM)
TM: I shall deliver!
Oily: Of course, my Leader!
Dup: Deliver my next £1 billion, Oi'm hopin'.
TM: No, you Irish dolt! I shall deliver on the wishes of the British people! I shall not waver! No matter what my doubters say! I shall fight them in the trenches, I shall never surrender!
Oily: With respect, TM, I don't think we should go down that verbal route.
TM: Oh. Alright, Oily. What's the news from those foreign johnnies in Brussels? What have you negotiated with them? I have to tell those shirkers in the Cabinet what's happening.
Oily: Good news, oh my Leader. That stinker Barnier has agreed that the Irish border can be in the middle of the Irish sea. Even in winter.
Dup: Begorrah! Are ye mad? In the middle of the bluddy sea?
Oily: Of course it's not in the middle of the sea! It's a notional border.
Dup: And what the hell is a notional border? Is it one with no ocean, is it?
TM: I must drive on, fulfilling the wishes of the British people. I am absolutely clear. And persuade those idiotic members of parliament who disagree with my several deals.
What do we do now, Oily?
Oily: A massive publicity blitz, oh my Leader. To persuade the peasants, er, citizens, that we want to lead the world in free trade, that we are passionate about a Global Britain that works for all, no matter what their standing in life. That you speak for them, and Parliament does not!
TM: Oh, not again! I can't go on with this – look at the bags under my eyes.
Dup: Will ye just give us the next £1 billion and then ye can relax. We'll vote for whatever ye want! Just get on with it. I'm off now to get some champers at the PR bash. (Exits.)
Oily: Now. Er..are you alright, oh my Leader? You look, if I may say so, pale and distraught.... TM: I shall deliver for the British people...I shall deliver...I shall...I shall!
(Enter Stay, the Good Fairy.)
Stay: Conduct her immediately to the Sanatorium. Lose no time.
ACT TWO (Enter Hyphen and Mop.)
Mop: The Government Hospitality Wine Cellar seems rather depleted.
Hyphen: Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by her indisposition. We must make haste to apprise the British people that their day of No-Deal has come!
Mop: Well, I mean, I think, er..it's inevitable no? Casus belli is over, what? There remains....
Hyphen: Don't use that word!
Mop: Eh?
Hyphen: Remain.
Mop: Ah. Of course not. But we have to decide who is the next Leader.
Hyphen: Do you want to be Foreign Secretary again? I'd be more than happy to appoint you to that role.
Mop: Eh? No! And anyway, I'm going to be the next Leader!
Hyphen: Not according to the polls.
Mop: What polls?
Hyphen: The people polls.
Mop: Don't be foolish. It's what Eton wants that counts.
Hyphen: You don't mean David Cameron again?
Mop; Oh really! Of course not. Me, you dimwit!, Me!
Hyphen: Careful with your language, if you please.
(Enter Bunion, a citizen.)
Bunion: Scuse me.
Hyphen: Yes, my good man.
Bunion: I'm looking for er...the House of Come-ons.
Mop: This is it. How can we help?
Bunion: Dunno mate. I'm waiting for someone.
Mop: Really?
Bunion: Yes. A guy called Haven.
Hyphen: Gosh! I think he means the billionaire.
Mop: What on earth does Haven want with the ordinary working-poor like this fellow here? Bunion: Watch it, mate! He can buy you for breakfast.
Hyphen; May one enquire why you and he are meeting?
Bunion: No prob, mate. We're meeting because he and his mates in the City are going to put their dosh behind us ordinary people instead of you politicians. So we can have a say in how our lives are run. They're fed up with you poncy lot who have never done a proper job in your lives and have no idea how the rest of us live. Geddit? And all you do is argue about bloody Brexit. They've had it with you lot of bean-brains. So you'll have no more rich donors! None!
(Hyphen and Mop stagger about clutching each other. (Enter Stay, the Good Fairy.)
Stay: Get them to the sanatorium. Lose no time!
Bunion: From all of us 'ordinary working people' of Great Britain to all of you: Have a Prosperous and Happy 2019!
Meanwhile....
At a Cabinet meeting, in the Sanatorium, the Leader leads her team in a rousing chorus of 'Rule Britannia'.
It goes like this:
Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the waves!
Britons never shall be EU slaves!
Whilst we shall flourish great and free,
Our cities shall with commerce shine,
But nations not so blest as we
Will enter into long decline.
Blest Isle, with superb leaders crowned
That haughty tyrants cannot tame.
No foreign foot shall tread our ground
Where burns our freedom's cherished flame!
Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the waves,
Never, never, never EU slaves!
Immediately after this show of union, the Cabinet members started pushing each other over, kicking, shouting, spitting and making speeches about the interests of the British people......
_____________________________________________________________________________
OXBRIDGE UNIS WILL STAY IN THE EU.
The Universities of Oxford and Cambridge announced yesterday that they will separate from the United Kingdom and remain in the European Union.
A spokesman said: The Council of the Universities of Oxford and Cambridge voted unanimously yesterday to secede from the United Kingdom and remain members of the European Union. We recognise this may cause problems for the UK but we see no alternative. Our past and future contributions to the United Kingdom, should we stay, will be hugely under-rated and wasted in a diminishing economy.
We provide three quarters of UK judges, half of the UK's diplomats, two thirds of her Permanent Secretaries, a quarter of all MPs, nearly half of the House of Lords, and even half of all journalists and BBC executives. (This data can be checked and will be found correct and not an exaggeration.)
This achievement will be wasted on a country much diminished in every sense, with a faltering economy, a huge national debt, food and medicine shortages, rioting in the streets, further rising crime, and a general failure of an incompetent government to cope with the problems of the people they claim to represent.
We do not wish to waste our achievements and our future achievements in such an environment. We have therefore decided to take our talents and offer them to a welcoming Europe, rather than remain in the UK.”
The President of Christ Church College today said:
"We entirely support this decision. Our College has produced over the years 14 Prime Ministers and 4 foreign Prime Ministers, 17 Archbishops, 6 Olympic Gold medallists and famous composers, musicians, poets and businessmen too numerous to mention. Why should we waste our future on a discredited island country?"
The Prime Minister's office declined to comment. The House of Commons is currently in recess. It is understood that the Chief Speech Writer is on vacation in Monte Carlo
______________________________________________________________________________
THIS IS NOT FUNNY
According to an official Government Briefing Summary, this is the situation concerning each aspect of Brexit.
The Brexit Process 'We do not know what will happen.'
Constitutional Issues 'We do not know....we do not know the extent.
Devolution 'We do not yet know.'
Future Trade Relations 'The biggest unknown is still that we do not know.'
The Irish Border Issue 'One of the greatest sources of Brexit unknowns.'
Free Movement of People 'There is still uncertainty.'
The Exit Bill and After 'We don't know what the UK will participate in nor how much it will cost.'
Data Protection and Data Sharing 'We do not know on what basis.'
Food and Farming 'The biggest unknown.'
Fisheries 'There are disagreements.'
Defence 'Still to be negotiated.'
The above quotes are all true and taken directly from the Briefing.
______________________________________________________________________________
LATE BREAKING NEWS!
FOOD RIOTS EXPECTED
The Minister for Food, Lord Rumble of Belch, has announced the Government Plan for combatting food riots when Britain exits the EU. He said at a Press Conference today:
“The Government has always been clear that feeding the British people is its priority. To this end, we are calling upon Her Majesty's Armed Forces to stand ready to combat food riots. It is expected that there will be delays in managing food imports, and that certain elements of the public may respond with violence. This will be dealt with swiftly and firmly. We can say to the British people that everything is being done by your government is takng all steps ensure that food reaches every family's table.”
Brigadier Victor Thump has been given the task of overseeing the military operations. He said: “We shall not tolerate any violence on British streets. We are not a third world country! My troops will react immediately to the slightest hint of violence in the streets. People should remain calm and await their rations.”
The Minister for Stock-piling, Max Hoard, said steps have been taken to stock-pile adequate food supplies to feed the nation. “Not one person in Britain, not one of our citizens will go hungry, longer than three days. Your government will ensure that the British people - man, woman and child - shall not be without food, so long as they have their ration books.”
The Assistant Minister for Stockpiling (Medicins), Yasmin Asprinovski, also advised that troops are standing by ready to combat any violence in hospital wards should patients start fighting over prescriptions, delayed operations or bed linen laundry
______________________________________________________________________________
EXCLUSIVE!
GOVERNMENT TO INTRODUCE RATION BOOKS!
Will Remayne has had sight of secret papers and e-mails,
showing the government's intention to introduce - shortly before Brexit - a series of Ration Books. These will be for three main items - food, petrol and medecines. It is suggested in these secret papers that it may be necessary to introduce further Ration Books covering computer usage and television viewing. We cannot reveal further information as we have been closed down and accused of breaking the Official Brexit Secrets Act.
But, watch this space!
______________________________________________________________________________
GOVERNMENT COMMUNIQUE ON STOCKPILING FOR BREXIT
“Enjoying the Holiday?”
Make the most of it before Brexit Wrecks it.
“Having a Relaxing Time?”
Enjoy it before Brexit Breaks it.
Start stockpiling now! Crisps, beer, Mars bars, processed peas, curry. If in doubt over what to stock up on, go to cabinetadvice,com and then tap aidoutsidelondon.cor.
Sick? In need of medication? Everything can be bought on line. So, hopefully, postal deliveries will continue after Brexit....
Fill your spare bedroom or garage with food. Supermarkets cannot be relied upon.
Don't think you can get away from it all. Ports and airports will be grid-locked. With continuing hot weather, water supplies will dry up – stock up on bottled water.
Schools will be closed so that they can be used to stockpile food for MPs, civil servants, the government, the Lords and other people essential to the well-being of our great nation.
Keep Calm and Carry on. The government is fulfilling the will of the British people.... Enjoy.
______________________________________________________________________________
BRITISH CABINET COMMUNICATION TO GERMAN EU MINISTER
Leeber Fritz,
Hier ist der Englischer Deutsche dokument vom Cheqeurs. Es ist gut, nein? Worten von Goethe und Wagner! Wir haben long worken auf dieser so wir hoffen das sie like it.
Haben ein gutes tag,
Mit besten vischen,
Der Britischer Cabinet.
P.S.
Das worte 'chequers' in Deutsche ist 'Damespiel' - und das ist 'ladygame' in englisch. Sehr Komich, ja!
_____________________________________________________________________________
FOLLOWING THE SUCCESS OF THE ROYAL WEDDING SERMON.
HERE'S ANOTHER ONE:
From The Archbishop of Hackney Wick.
Known for his deeply-felt views on the human condition,
His Grace has kindly allowed us access to a copy of his next sermon.
"Brethren, I speak to you today of those twin peaks of depravity in our land - the Sodom and Gomorrah of our country - Westminster and the City. Woe unto them! For they know - too well - what they do!
Brethren, know ye the Lord hates two things above all? Yes! And I will tell you
what they are. Haughty eyes and a lying tongue (Proverbs 6, 16-19). Where do
we see these now? In our own Sodom and Gomorrah - in Westminster and in
the City. They are unrighteous!
They take from the people to aggrandise themselves, to build themselves
palaces, new kitchens and bathrooms, and buy alcoholic champagne and yachts and Rolexes.
And they care not who shall speak against them. Their regulators do not
regulate them. They are above the law of the land! But, brethren, they are not
above the law of the Lord whose vengeance is a terrible thing to behold. And he is coming for them with fire and brimstone! And the Freedom of Information Act, and legal suits, and the wrath of the people - horribly enfeebled though they are.
He will avenge himself upon your enemies and take away their tin! (Isaiah 1,
24). And we shall rejoice!
In Sodom and then in Gomorrah the Lord asked if there were 50 righteous men
(Genesis 18:23-26). There were not. Look towards Westminster, brethren, and towards the City. Do you see 50 righteous men? Even 10? No you do not!
So it is in our Sodom and in our Gomorrah, where they gamble and steal as
though there was no tomorrah.
I give them a global warning! Down shall rain snakes and fire and
brimstone and a horrible tempest on them (Psalm 11:6). Amen.
(Note to parish clerk: I know the correct ancient spelling of the word 'Sodom',
but I have seen a different spelling in certain newspapers, viz 'Sod 'em.' Is this a
modern variant?
______________________________________________________________________________
THE BLOCKHEADS OF BREXIT ISLAND
Award-winning inside reporter Will Remayne will report weekly from Westminster and elsewhere Bringing Inside stories about Brexit.
See Above.....also.....
MPs need to consider this:
Leaving the EU will take 21 months and cost £56 billion.
During which time UK will have no say whatsoever in EU affairs.
During which time UK must find £250 trillion of trade to replace trade
with the EU.
With, if the War Cabinet is aware of these, The Association of South-East Asian Nations, the Trans-Pacific Partnership, The Regional Comprehensive Economic Partnership, and hopefully the opportunity to make trade agreements with Canada, Australia, India, China, Japan and so on.
Whilst bankers in the City should be in touch with the Asian Infra-Structure Investment Bank (57 member nations) and The new Development Bank, and the China -Africa Investment Forum.
(Will Remayne is proud to provide these guide lines, in case the taxpayer-paid consultants hired by the Cabinet are struggling with their brief.)
After Brexit, British consumers must pay around 20% more for imports from Europe.
Already UK has gone from fastest-growing country in G7 to slowest.
The world is not flying in to Heathrow to set up new deals with us....
Our inside reporter Will Remayne:
"I went to the dentist the other day and asked the Spanish dentist whether she was staying after Brexit. She had no idea whether she will be able to, she said. And added that there will be no dentists left in our town if all EU nationals are kicked out."
"I hear that Theresa has spent at least £700,000 of tax-payers' money on consultants, hoping for good advice on Brexit, nobody in her War Cabinet having a clue what to do. Plus, I just heard, another £1.9 million."
"Saw two more dentists - one Italian and one Roumanian. Had to go to the eye-clinic - receptionist was English. The health staff were all Europeans. The government needs to get this right and allow such people to stay - otherwise no NHS......nothing but pain and tooth-ache."
The Government Promises:
"When it comes to taxes we'll prioritise, not the wealthy, but you.
When we pass new laws, we'll listen not to the mighty but to you.
When we take the big calls, we'll think not of the powerful but of you." (uh?)
And.....
"We have a world-leading reputation based on doing things better
We are committed to world-leading trade growth
We shall make the world a safer place
We want to lead the world in free trade
We intend to remain a world-leader
Consumers can have confidence in the UK's economic powerhouse
I intend us to remain world-leading in the future
We will forge a bold new positive role in the world
A country that is confident of its place in the world and is proud to stand up for its values."
The Reality:
400,000 children living in poverty
homelessness up 34%
4 million suffering people awaiting operations
40,000 patients on trolleys
80,000 vacancies in the NHS
Tory government biggest borrowers over last 70 years
median earnings growth lowest for ten years
police force down 19,000 - crime up
house building lowest since 1920s
the City pays only £20 million in tax
Of the top 40 political donors, 39 donated to the Tory Party
(not too surprising considering the totally ineffectual opposition)
______________________________________________________________________________
BRITAIN BANKRUPT AFTER BREXIT. NEW FINDINGS.
Senior Tory Minister, Gavin Fleece-Truth, and his long-term associate, senior Civil Servant Lord Honestly, announced today that Britain will go bankrupt 14 months after Brexit.
“The evidence is there for all to see,” said Fleece-Truth at a press conference held in Westminster's Great Hall last night.
“We asked five of our largest accountancy firms, together with a translation agency, to give the fullest consideration to the possible outcomes of our leaving the EU,” said Lord Honestly. “Their findings and predictions are quite disturbing.”
The research showed five different scenarios:
Scenario One: No countries wish to sign trade agreements with the UK, because of uncertainty as to the country's future and the doubtful competence of future governments.
Scenario Two: The Solomon Islands and the Canary Isles become Britain's major trading partners with a drop in Britain's GDP of 3000%
Scenarios Three, Four and Five: The National Debt rises to £6390 trillion. Oligarchs leave for France. Housing in central London is 100% empty. Unemployment rises to 65.7%
On hearing the research results, the Cabinet split eleven ways. Three new Prime Ministers were selected by the Tory Party, in succession, none lasting more than one month.
Finally, a decision was made.
A Memorial Service for the Demise of Great Britain will be held at Westminster Abbey
on April 1st, 2019.
Attendance by Invitation Only. No Tax-payers Need Apply.
Brexit Blues All Around - And then I got a call from Boris.
From a few months ago...My contacts in Whitehall are getting bored as they stand around waiting for the word on her new strategy for Brexit from the PM. Then things warmed up yesterday.
As I'm the government's top salesman, it was no surprise when Boris called me to his office with a sales idea. He was shaking his blond mop in frustration.
"Jason," he said. "I want to get things going. Shake things up a bit. Alea jacta est if you see what I mean."
"Oh, absolutely," I responded.
"What I want to do is to get the bloody Euro berks into a good mood, see."
"Quite."
"Soften 'em up a bit so the PM and I can negotiate from strength. I want our negotiations to be a prime example of veni, vedi, vinci."
"Of course," I said.
"What have we got that you could sell to them?"
"Er.."
"Something that really interests them that we can offer them at a price they can't refuse. Come on, now. What have we got?"
He got up out of his chair and straightened his tie.
"I'm off to see the PM so you start thinking up something good while I'm gone. She's giving me ten minutes so I'll soon be back."
I sat there thinking, looking out of the window at the pigeons. When Boris came back in to his office I had a few suggestions ready. He's shaking his blond mop again, looking rather as though he'd just had a bad interview with the Head Mistress.
"Well? Well?" he bellowed.
"I have a list for your consideration, Minister."
"Ah! Well done. Knew I could rely on you. Well, what?"
"I think the EU is always interested in expanding its frontiers. So we should offer them some real estate."
"Good! Smart fellow. Like what?"
"The Isle of Man?"
"H'm. Bit small. Rather an odd place, too. What else?"
"The Channel Islands"
"Yes! Yes! Brilliant, Jason. Simply brilliant! Summum bonum! I shall tell the PM at once!"
And off he went. And so did I. I reckon I can get a big bonus for this idea if it helps Brexit to move along a bit....
**** extracted from "Theresa, Boris and Me, Jason. The Government's Top Salesman tells All" by John Problem****
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WORDSWORTH'S LONG LOST BROTHER?
John Problem is proud to present the findings of Dr. Oswald Hieronym concerning the mystery of William Wordsworth's long lost brother.
“There is much evidence for the long-lost brother of Wordsworth to be a certain Benjamin Coalridge Parlous. The change of name is believed to be due to the brother's wish to succeed in his own right as an academic and not benefit from the fame of his older brother, William.
Parlous was educated at Oxford, Edinburgh and Princeton where he graduated summa cum laude in all three, in the study of Hermeneutics. He then pursued his own private studies into the intersections of critical theory and cultural production, and the question of negativity in contemporary theory.
After being granted an Arts Council England award, Professor Parlous settled down in the Peak District to write exhaustively on temporality, forms of value and anthropology of the subject, and the politics of the historical novel before Erasmus. Later appointed Sweetmeats of London Emeritus Professor of English Dialectics at Bakewell University, he specialised further in the field of poetry and the environment. (A notable similarity to his brother's pre-occupations.)
Further evidence in favour of his being Wordsworth's brother exists. Professor Parlous invented the field of study of Ecocriticism. Ecocriticism studies the representations of nature in literature and poetry and is based on the assumption we live in a more-than-human world. A world peopled with daffodils and milky stars. Professor Parlous eventually retired with his wife Dotty and their children Samuel, George, Bysshe and Jane to Hackney.
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THIS IS SERIOUS.
DO NOT READ THIS IF ECONOMICS DEPRESSES YOU.
But it will all be better after Brexit, right?
Currently, Britain's National Debt is £2.13 trillion
Britain's current account - in the red £114 billion
Cost of fixing pot-holes £30 billion
Britain has the most expensive energy, water, trains, in the EU.
Her military wouldn't even fill the seats in Wembley Stadium
£100 billion is laundered through the City annually. Does the taxpayer get a cut?
STOP! WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!
We have the British Sovereignty Dream to Comfort us!
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BRITAIN IN 2022
Hedge Fund offers to buy NHS.
Argentina offers to buy Wales
EU invites UK to re-join.
EU says re-joining fee will be £3million billion
Total number of Lords reaches 7,850.
Air privatised and rationed.
Trident sinks.
