John Problem.com 'behind the news'
PRIME MINISTER APPOINTS HERSELF PRESIDENT OF UK.
At a dramatic press conference today, the self-appointed President of the UK had this to say about her new role:
“After all the difficulties of the negotiations with the EU, the utter confusion in the government, particularly the Cabinet, and with further separate factions setting up within the Conservative Party, it seemed to me that there was only one solution to our great nation's current problems. That I should become President and fulfil the wishes of the hard-working British families concerning the EU, about which I have always been clear.
A President is able to get things done. Whereas a Cabinet of 26 differing opinions – each greedily concerned with their own position – is a waste of time. Courage, determination, tenacity will show Brussels that we are not to be bullied, whereas a Cabinet can only weaken our negotiating position.
At times of crisis, the world looks to Britain for moral leadership, military leadership and global leadership. We have a world-leading reputation for doing things better and I want us to keep this and remain the envy of the world.
I am happy to say that I have already received congratulatory telephone calls from President Trump, President Macron, President Maduro, President Putin, and President Xi JinPeng amongst others.
In addition to getting the EU leaders to focus, I intend to be bold about curing the problems of our society and building upon the legacy of the Conservative Party's egalitarian past, despite the apparently poor understanding of economics that currently exists at Westminster.
I have appointed two Vice-Presidents. One is my always competent friend Christopher Failing and the other is John Problem, one of whose duties will be to write my biography.
After discussing the matter with them, it has been decided to extend my term of office to twelve years. This will allow sufficient time to get our great country back on track and fulfil our destiny as a world-leading global presence.
I know that, if we lift our eyes to the other side, we have it in our power to come through this stronger, now that I am President. I must leave you now. War has broken out on the Scottish border and needs my attention. Where's that young fool, the Minister of Defence?
After Brexit Wrecksit, we need not worry at all.
Our Leaders have re-assured us:
"We have a world-leading reputation for doing things better."
"We will remain a world-leader."
"We shall lead the world in free trade."
"At times of crisis, the world looks to Britain - not just for our support but for our leadership."
"We can again become the envy of the world."
"Countries will look to us to provide the moral leadership and global leadership."
And for each of us individually:
"When we take the big calls, we'll think not of the powerful, but you.
When we pass new laws, we'll listen not to the mighty, but to you.
When it comes to taxes, we’ll prioritise not the wealthy, but you.
When it comes to opportunity, we won't entrench the advantages of the fortunate few."
- quoted from The Right Honourable Theresa May, Prime Minister. She also said in 2016:
"Britain's prosperity will be more secure if we're in the EU."
THE WESTMINSTER PANTOMIME!
Our scene is set on an island off the coast of Europe
The Leader, known as TM
Oily – her trusted aide
Dup – a blackmailer
Hyphen – a voluble representative of the upper class
Mop – an ambitious old Etonian
Haven – the spokesperson for a mob of City billionaires
Bunion – a tax-paying citizen
Stay – a Good Fairy
ACT ONE (Enter TM)
TM: I shall deliver!
Oily: Of course, my Leader!
Dup: Deliver my next £1 billion, Oi'm hopin'.
TM: No, you Irish dolt! I shall deliver on the wishes of the British people! I shall not waver! No matter what my doubters say! I shall fight them in the trenches, I shall never surrender!
Oily: With respect, TM, I don't think we should go down that verbal route.
TM: Oh. Alright, Oily. What's the news from those foreign johnnies in Brussels? What have you negotiated with them? I have to tell those shirkers in the Cabinet what's happening.
Oily: Good news, oh my Leader. That stinker Barnier has agreed that the Irish border can be in the middle of the Irish sea. Even in winter.
Dup: Begorrah! Are ye mad? In the middle of the bluddy sea?
Oily: Of course it's not in the middle of the sea! It's a notional border.
Dup: And what the hell is a notional border? Is it one with no ocean, is it?
TM: I must drive on, fulfilling the wishes of the British people. I am absolutely clear. And persuade those idiotic members of parliament who disagree with my several deals.
What do we do now, Oily?
Oily: A massive publicity blitz, oh my Leader. To persuade the peasants, er, citizens, that we want to lead the world in free trade, that we are passionate about a Global Britain that works for all, no matter what their standing in life. That you speak for them, and Parliament does not!
TM: Oh, not again! I can't go on with this – look at the bags under my eyes.
Dup: Will ye just give us the next £1 billion and then ye can relax. We'll vote for whatever ye want! Just get on with it. I'm off now to get some champers at the PR bash. (Exits.)
Oily: Now. Er..are you alright, oh my Leader? You look, if I may say so, pale and distraught.... TM: I shall deliver for the British people...I shall deliver...I shall...I shall!
(Enter Stay, the Good Fairy.)
Stay: Conduct her immediately to the Sanatorium. Lose no time.
ACT TWO (Enter Hyphen and Mop.)
Mop: The Government Hospitality Wine Cellar seems rather depleted.
Hyphen: Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by her indisposition. We must make haste to apprise the British people that their day of No-Deal has come!
Mop: Well, I mean, I think, er..it's inevitable no? Casus belli is over, what? There remains.... Hyphen: Don't use that word!
Mop: Ah. Of course not. But we have to decide who is the next Leader.
Hyphen: Do you want to be Foreign Secretary again? I'd be more than happy to appoint you to that role.
Mop: Eh? No! And anyway, I'm going to be the next Leader!
Hyphen: Not according to the polls.
Mop: What polls?
Hyphen: The people polls.
Mop: Don't be foolish. It's what Eton wants that counts.
Hyphen: You don't mean David Cameron again?
Mop; Oh really! Of course not. Me, you dimwit!, Me!
Hyphen: Careful with your language, if you please.
(Enter Bunion, a citizen.)
Bunion: Scuse me.
Hyphen: Yes, my good man.
Bunion: I'm looking for er...the House of Come-ons.
Mop: This is it. How can we help?
Bunion: Dunno mate. I'm waiting for someone.
Bunion: Yes. A guy called Haven.
Hyphen: Gosh! I think he means the billionaire.
Mop: What on earth does Haven want with the ordinary working-poor like this fellow here? Bunion: Watch it, mate! He can buy you for breakfast.
Hyphen; May one enquire why you and he are meeting?
Bunion: No prob, mate. We're meeting because he and his mates in the City are going to put their dosh behind us ordinary people instead of you politicians. So we can have a say in how our lives are run. They're fed up with you poncy lot who have never done a proper job in your lives and have no idea how the rest of us live. Geddit? And all you do is argue about bloody Brexit. They've had it with you lot of bean-brains. So you'll have no more rich donors! None!
(Hyphen and Mop stagger about clutching each other. (Enter Stay, the Good Fairy.)
Stay: Get them to the sanatorium. Lose no time!
Bunion: From all of us 'ordinary working people' of Great Britain to all of you: Have a Prosperous and Happy 2019!
At a Cabinet meeting, in the Sanatorium, the Leader leads her team in a rousing chorus of 'Rule Britannia'.
It goes like this:
Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the waves!
Britons never shall be EU slaves!
Whilst we shall flourish great and free,
Our cities shall with commerce shine,
But nations not so blest as we
Will enter into long decline.
Blest Isle, with superb leaders crowned
That haughty tyrants cannot tame.
No foreign foot shall tread our ground
Where burns our freedom's cherished flame!
Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the waves,
Never, never, never EU slaves!
Immediately after this show of union, the Cabinet members started pushing each other over, kicking, shouting, spitting and making speeches about the interests of the British people......
OXBRIDGE UNIS WILL STAY IN THE EU.
The Universities of Oxford and Cambridge announced yesterday that they will separate from the United Kingdom and remain in the European Union.
A spokesman said: The Council of the Universities of Oxford and Cambridge voted unanimously yesterday to secede from the United Kingdom and remain members of the European Union. We recognise this may cause problems for the UK but we see no alternative. Our past and future contributions to the United Kingdom, should we stay, will be hugely under-rated and wasted in a diminishing economy.
We provide three quarters of UK judges, half of the UK's diplomats, two thirds of her Permanent Secretaries, a quarter of all MPs, nearly half of the House of Lords, and even half of all journalists and BBC executives. (This data can be checked and will be found correct and not an exaggeration.)
This achievement will be wasted on a country much diminished in every sense, with a faltering economy, a huge national debt, food and medicine shortages, rioting in the streets, further rising crime, and a general failure of an incompetent government to cope with the problems of the people they claim to represent.
We do not wish to waste our achievements and our future achievements in such an environment. We have therefore decided to take our talents and offer them to a welcoming Europe, rather than remain in the UK.”
The President of Christ Church College today said:
"We entirely support this decision. Our College has produced over the years 14 Prime Ministers and 4 foreign Prime Ministers, 17 Archbishops, 6 Olympic Gold medallists and famous composers, musicians, poets and businessmen too numerous to mention. Why should we waste our future on a discredited island country?"
The Prime Minister's office declined to comment. The House of Commons is currently in recess. It is understood that the Chief Speech Writer is on vacation in Monte Carlo
THIS IS NOT FUNNY
According to an official Government Briefing Summary, this is the situation concerning each aspect of Brexit.
The Brexit Process 'We do not know what will happen.'
Constitutional Issues 'We do not know....we do not know the extent.
Devolution 'We do not yet know.'
Future Trade Relations 'The biggest unknown is still that we do not know.'
The Irish Border Issue 'One of the greatest sources of Brexit unknowns.'
Free Movement of People 'There is still uncertainty.'
The Exit Bill and After 'We don't know what the UK will participate in nor how much it will cost.'
Data Protection and Data Sharing 'We do not know on what basis.'
Food and Farming 'The biggest unknown.'
Fisheries 'There are disagreements.'
Defence 'Still to be negotiated.'
The above quotes are all true and taken directly from the Briefing.
LATE BREAKING NEWS!
FOOD RIOTS EXPECTED
The Minister for Food, Lord Rumble of Belch, has announced the Government Plan for combatting food riots when Britain exits the EU. He said at a Press Conference today:
“The Government has always been clear that feeding the British people is its priority. To this end, we are calling upon Her Majesty's Armed Forces to stand ready to combat food riots. It is expected that there will be delays in managing food imports, and that certain elements of the public may respond with violence. This will be dealt with swiftly and firmly. We can say to the British people that everything is being done by your government is takng all steps ensure that food reaches every family's table.”
Brigadier Victor Thump has been given the task of overseeing the military operations. He said: “We shall not tolerate any violence on British streets. We are not a third world country! My troops will react immediately to the slightest hint of violence in the streets. People should remain calm and await their rations.”
The Minister for Stock-piling, Max Hoard, said steps have been taken to stock-pile adequate food supplies to feed the nation. “Not one person in Britain, not one of our citizens will go hungry, longer than three days. Your government will ensure that the British people - man, woman and child - shall not be without food, so long as they have their ration books.”
The Assistant Minister for Stockpiling (Medicins), Yasmin Asprinovski, also advised that troops are standing by ready to combat any violence in hospital wards should patients start fighting over prescriptions, delayed operations or bed linen laundry
GOVERNMENT TO INTRODUCE RATION BOOKS!
Will Remayne has had sight of secret papers and e-mails,
showing the government's intention to introduce - shortly before Brexit - a series of Ration Books. These will be for three main items - food, petrol and medecines. It is suggested in these secret papers that it may be necessary to introduce further Ration Books covering computer usage and television viewing. We cannot reveal further information as we have been closed down and accused of breaking the Official Brexit Secrets Act.
But, watch this space!
GOVERNMENT COMMUNIQUE ON STOCKPILING FOR BREXIT
“Enjoying the Holiday?”
Make the most of it before Brexit Wrecks it.
“Having a Relaxing Time?”
Enjoy it before Brexit Breaks it.
Start stockpiling now! Crisps, beer, Mars bars, processed peas, curry. If in doubt over what to stock up on, go to cabinetadvice,com and then tap aidoutsidelondon.cor.
Sick? In need of medication? Everything can be bought on line. So, hopefully, postal deliveries will continue after Brexit....
Fill your spare bedroom or garage with food. Supermarkets cannot be relied upon.
Don't think you can get away from it all. Ports and airports will be grid-locked. With continuing hot weather, water supplies will dry up – stock up on bottled water.
Schools will be closed so that they can be used to stockpile food for MPs, civil servants, the government, the Lords and other people essential to the well-being of our great nation.
Keep Calm and Carry on. The government is fulfilling the will of the British people.... Enjoy.
BRITISH CABINET COMMUNICATION TO GERMAN EU MINISTER
Hier ist der Englischer Deutsche dokument vom Cheqeurs. Es ist gut, nein? Worten von Goethe und Wagner! Wir haben long worken auf dieser so wir hoffen das sie like it.
Haben ein gutes tag,
Mit besten vischen,
Der Britischer Cabinet.
Das worte 'chequers' in Deutsche ist 'Damespiel' - und das ist 'ladygame' in englisch. Sehr Komich, ja!
FOLLOWING THE SUCCESS OF THE ROYAL WEDDING SERMON.
HERE'S ANOTHER ONE:
From The Archbishop of Hackney Wick.
Known for his deeply-felt views on the human condition,
His Grace has kindly allowed us access to a copy of his next sermon.
"Brethren, I speak to you today of those twin peaks of depravity in our land - the Sodom and Gomorrah of our country - Westminster and the City. Woe unto them! For they know - too well - what they do!
Brethren, know ye the Lord hates two things above all? Yes! And I will tell you
what they are. Haughty eyes and a lying tongue (Proverbs 6, 16-19). Where do
we see these now? In our own Sodom and Gomorrah - in Westminster and in
the City. They are unrighteous!
They take from the people to aggrandise themselves, to build themselves
palaces, new kitchens and bathrooms, and buy alcoholic champagne and yachts and Rolexes.
And they care not who shall speak against them. Their regulators do not
regulate them. They are above the law of the land! But, brethren, they are not
above the law of the Lord whose vengeance is a terrible thing to behold. And he is coming for them with fire and brimstone! And the Freedom of Information Act, and legal suits, and the wrath of the people - horribly enfeebled though they are.
He will avenge himself upon your enemies and take away their tin! (Isaiah 1,
24). And we shall rejoice!
In Sodom and then in Gomorrah the Lord asked if there were 50 righteous men
(Genesis 18:23-26). There were not. Look towards Westminster, brethren, and towards the City. Do you see 50 righteous men? Even 10? No you do not!
So it is in our Sodom and in our Gomorrah, where they gamble and steal as
though there was no tomorrah.
I give them a global warning! Down shall rain snakes and fire and
brimstone and a horrible tempest on them (Psalm 11:6). Amen.
(Note to parish clerk: I know the correct ancient spelling of the word 'Sodom',
but I have seen a different spelling in certain newspapers, viz 'Sod 'em.' Is this a
THE BLOCKHEADS OF BREXIT ISLAND
Award-winning inside reporter Will Remayne will report weekly from Westminster and elsewhere Bringing Inside stories about Brexit.
MPs need to consider this:
Leaving the EU will take 21 months and cost £56 billion.
During which time UK will have no say whatsoever in EU affairs.
During which time UK must find £250 trillion of trade to replace trade
with the EU.
With, if the War Cabinet is aware of these, The Association of South-East Asian Nations, the Trans-Pacific Partnership, The Regional Comprehensive Economic Partnership, and hopefully the opportunity to make trade agreements with Canada, Australia, India, China, Japan and so on.
Whilst bankers in the City should be in touch with the Asian Infra-Structure Investment Bank (57 member nations) and The new Development Bank, and the China -Africa Investment Forum.
(Will Remayne is proud to provide these guide lines, in case the taxpayer-paid consultants hired by the Cabinet are struggling with their brief.)
After Brexit, British consumers must pay around 20% more for imports from Europe.
Already UK has gone from fastest-growing country in G7 to slowest.
The world is not flying in to Heathrow to set up new deals with us....
Our inside reporter Will Remayne:
"I went to the dentist the other day and asked the Spanish dentist whether she was staying after Brexit. She had no idea whether she will be able to, she said. And added that there will be no dentists left in our town if all EU nationals are kicked out."
"I hear that Theresa has spent at least £700,000 of tax-payers' money on consultants, hoping for good advice on Brexit, nobody in her War Cabinet having a clue what to do. Plus, I just heard, another £1.9 million."
"Saw two more dentists - one Italian and one Roumanian. Had to go to the eye-clinic - receptionist was English. The health staff were all Europeans. The government needs to get this right and allow such people to stay - otherwise no NHS......nothing but pain and tooth-ache."
The Government Promises:
"When it comes to taxes we'll prioritise, not the wealthy, but you.
When we pass new laws, we'll listen not to the mighty but to you.
When we take the big calls, we'll think not of the powerful but of you." (uh?)
"We have a world-leading reputation based on doing things better
We are committed to world-leading trade growth
We shall make the world a safer place
We want to lead the world in free trade
We intend to remain a world-leader
Consumers can have confidence in the UK's economic powerhouse
I intend us to remain world-leading in the future
We will forge a bold new positive role in the world
A country that is confident of its place in the world and is proud to stand up for its values."
400,000 children living in poverty
homelessness up 34%
4 million suffering people awaiting operations
40,000 patients on trolleys
80,000 vacancies in the NHS
Tory government biggest borrowers over last 70 years
median earnings growth lowest for ten years
police force down 19,000 - crime up
house building lowest since 1920s
the City pays only £20 million in tax
Of the top 40 political donors, 39 donated to the Tory Party
(not too surprising considering the totally ineffectual opposition)
BRITAIN BANKRUPT AFTER BREXIT. NEW FINDINGS.
Senior Tory Minister, Gavin Fleece-Truth, and his long-term associate, senior Civil Servant Lord Honestly, announced today that Britain will go bankrupt 14 months after Brexit.
“The evidence is there for all to see,” said Fleece-Truth at a press conference held in Westminster's Great Hall last night.
“We asked five of our largest accountancy firms, together with a translation agency, to give the fullest consideration to the possible outcomes of our leaving the EU,” said Lord Honestly. “Their findings and predictions are quite disturbing.”
The research showed five different scenarios:
Scenario One: No countries wish to sign trade agreements with the UK, because of uncertainty as to the country's future and the doubtful competence of future governments.
Scenario Two: The Solomon Islands and the Canary Isles become Britain's major trading partners with a drop in Britain's GDP of 3000%
Scenarios Three, Four and Five: The National Debt rises to £6390 trillion. Oligarchs leave for France. Housing in central London is 100% empty. Unemployment rises to 65.7%
On hearing the research results, the Cabinet split eleven ways. Three new Prime Ministers were selected by the Tory Party, in succession, none lasting more than one month.
Finally, a decision was made.
A Memorial Service for the Demise of Great Britain will be held at Westminster Abbey
on April 1st, 2019.
Attendance by Invitation Only. No Tax-payers Need Apply.
Brexit Blues All Around - And then I got a call from Boris.
From a few months ago...My contacts in Whitehall are getting bored as they stand around waiting for the word on her new strategy for Brexit from the PM. Then things warmed up yesterday.
As I'm the government's top salesman, it was no surprise when Boris called me to his office with a sales idea. He was shaking his blond mop in frustration.
"Jason," he said. "I want to get things going. Shake things up a bit. Alea jacta est if you see what I mean."
"Oh, absolutely," I responded.
"What I want to do is to get the bloody Euro berks into a good mood, see."
"Soften 'em up a bit so the PM and I can negotiate from strength. I want our negotiations to be a prime example of veni, vedi, vinci."
"Of course," I said.
"What have we got that you could sell to them?"
"Something that really interests them that we can offer them at a price they can't refuse. Come on, now. What have we got?"
He got up out of his chair and straightened his tie.
"I'm off to see the PM so you start thinking up something good while I'm gone. She's giving me ten minutes so I'll soon be back."
I sat there thinking, looking out of the window at the pigeons. When Boris came back in to his office I had a few suggestions ready. He's shaking his blond mop again, looking rather as though he'd just had a bad interview with the Head Mistress.
"Well? Well?" he bellowed.
"I have a list for your consideration, Minister."
"Ah! Well done. Knew I could rely on you. Well, what?"
"I think the EU is always interested in expanding its frontiers. So we should offer them some real estate."
"Good! Smart fellow. Like what?"
"The Isle of Man?"
"H'm. Bit small. Rather an odd place, too. What else?"
"The Channel Islands"
"Yes! Yes! Brilliant, Jason. Simply brilliant! Summum bonum! I shall tell the PM at once!"
And off he went. And so did I. I reckon I can get a big bonus for this idea if it helps Brexit to move along a bit....
**** extracted from "Theresa, Boris and Me, Jason. The Government's Top Salesman tells All" by John Problem****
WORDSWORTH'S LONG LOST BROTHER?
John Problem is proud to present the findings of Dr. Oswald Hieronym concerning the mystery of William Wordsworth's long lost brother.
“There is much evidence for the long-lost brother of Wordsworth to be a certain Benjamin Coalridge Parlous. The change of name is believed to be due to the brother's wish to succeed in his own right as an academic and not benefit from the fame of his older brother, William.
Parlous was educated at Oxford, Edinburgh and Princeton where he graduated summa cum laude in all three, in the study of Hermeneutics. He then pursued his own private studies into the intersections of critical theory and cultural production, and the question of negativity in contemporary theory.
After being granted an Arts Council England award, Professor Parlous settled down in the Peak District to write exhaustively on temporality, forms of value and anthropology of the subject, and the politics of the historical novel before Erasmus. Later appointed Sweetmeats of London Emeritus Professor of English Dialectics at Bakewell University, he specialised further in the field of poetry and the environment. (A notable similarity to his brother's pre-occupations.)
Further evidence in favour of his being Wordsworth's brother exists. Professor Parlous invented the field of study of Ecocriticism. Ecocriticism studies the representations of nature in literature and poetry and is based on the assumption we live in a more-than-human world. A world peopled with daffodils and milky stars. Professor Parlous eventually retired with his wife Dotty and their children Samuel, George, Bysshe and Jane to Hackney.
THIS IS SERIOUS.
DO NOT READ THIS IF ECONOMICS DEPRESSES YOU.
But it will all be better after Brexit, right?
Currently, Britain's National Debt is £2.13 trillion
Britain's current account - in the red £114 billion
Cost of fixing pot-holes £30 billion
Britain has the most expensive energy, water, trains, in the EU.
Her military wouldn't even fill the seats in Wembley Stadium
£100 billion is laundered through the City annually. Does the taxpayer get a cut?
STOP! WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!
We have the British Sovereignty Dream to Comfort us!
BRITAIN IN 2022
Hedge Fund offers to buy NHS.
Argentina offers to buy Wales
EU invites UK to re-join.
EU says re-joining fee will be £3million billion
Total number of Lords reaches 7,850.
Air privatised and rationed.